Halo Childhood Developmental Stages
As a father of 4 boys and avid gamer, I am more than qualified to describe the following Halo Childhood Stages of Development. (Now my moral pride makes me have to explain that I don’t play every night with my kids or let them play when they want to. We only play about 2 hours a week on Saturday or Sunday together, so quit hatin.) Hopefully this small psychological white paper will prepare new fathers everywhere.
First Stage – 8 months to 18 months – The Fakeout Stage
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, give a baby a controller with no battery pack and they will think they are playing with you for a year. They want to do what dad and big brothers are doing so you fake it. This may result in drool damage to your controller so I recommend you use a broken one.
Second Stage – 18 months to 3yrs old – Acting Class 101
They have figured out by now that the green light is not on on their controller like it is on everyone else’s, so you have to rectify this. You can’t put them in the game with a live controller though because they will press every button including “Start” and ruin the game. This stage will take a little investment. You will need to buy an additional controller and leave it unpaired (unconnected) to the XBOX. You will also need to make sure it is charged like your other controllers.
At this point anyone really playing will need to brush up on their acting skills, because your child wants to believe he or she is playing. You have to point to one of the screens and tell him or her that is their screen. You have to comment on how they are playing. You have to say they won a game once in a while. And you have to sell it.
Third Stage – 3 yrs old to 6 yrs old – Appeasement
This is the most difficult Halo Developmental Stage by far. This is the stage when they actually start playing the game. Because of your deceptions up until this stage, the child actually thinks he or she is an amazing Halo player. Now reality and usually their controller comes crashing down like a ton of bricks. When they finally stop walking into walls and realize they are nothing but balloons with targets drawn on them to their older siblings, it starts getting ugly. They cry, they scream, they want everyone to stand still so they can shoot them. If you want harmony in your home and you want to be able to play Halo, you have to let them win a bit. As a father, there is no greater gift than to let your son come up behind you and kill you. That is love.
Fourth Stage – 6 yrs to 10 yrs old – Motor Skills and Decoys
In this last stage of Halo Child Development your child now knows the game and can do most anything. Halo is all he or she talks about. Unfortunately this is usually to your church leaders, their pediatrician, and anyone else you don’t want to know you play Halo with your kids. They draw pictures of Brute Hammers in class and their teachers consider calling a school psychologist. They aren’t great at the game still so their brothers complain when they have them on their team and send them into battle as a decoy.
After 10 years old my kids started beating me at Halo because they get to play it a lot on their summer vacation. They enjoy being better than me and rub it in at all times. If my 12 year old gets a sniper rifle, I run the other way. My 10 year old beats everyone. My brother came over a few weeks ago and he and I played against my 2 oldest boys. They skunked us game after game until we kicked them out. I looked at him and he looked at me and I said, “What happened man, we used to be beautiful.”
We still play together and have a lot of fun, but now I wait until they are in bed and play Modern Warfare alone so I can feel good about myself.