Santa’s Got “Issues”

It was just before the Christmas rush and Santa knew he had to hurry. He was getting that stress that he usually got before the holidays. He stepped outside for a quick smoke. Dasher and Prancer were still arguing over who would get MVP in football this year. Dasher always got it right but Prancer was not delicate, he insisted on arguing. Santa brushed past them and lit his cigarette.He took a couple long drags then blew them out as he sighed. He thought about how much work he was going to have ahead of him this Christmas season.

He was considering firing a couple of elves due to a constant tardiness issue and was thinking about running an ad for replacement elves this week.There was so much to do besides the workshop issues. He had a tax auditor from the government scheduled to show up just after the season. He was going to need to get his paperwork in order. Why would they not let him itemize fried chicken and peach cobbler? Did the government realize how much of that stuff he had to eat to get his weight up to fit in the suit. Oh and then there was the Mrs Santa issues. “Marital counseling really?” He didn’t tell her to have an affair with an elf. Who does that? That elf was down on his luck and looking to make a name for himself. He used her. He really believed she would help him get that new project Manager position in the workshop. Doesn’t he know how lonely Santa’s wife really is? When she’s not flirting with elves she’s buying clothes and shoes online and ruining Santa’s credit.

Speaking of credit, Santa wondered if he was going to be able to take out a second mortgage on the house. The costs of running the workshop was getting overwhelming. Santa had hoped the government would vote on the new tax bill. If the North pole assembly agreed, then parents of kids on the “nice” list would now have to pay a small sleigh tax to help cover the costs of operating his sleigh so many hours on Christmas eve. If they don’t vote in favour of the tax, Santa will need the second mortgage in order to provide the elves with additional healthcare benefits. The elves have been threatening a strike and Santa just didn’t need that right now.

He was done with his cigarette and decided to head back to the sleigh and grab his cellphone. He called up his “side piece” otherwise known as Santa’s little helper. She wasn’t little though. Whenever her and Santa took a trip out of town, she always made a visit to the local department store plus size section to pick up a few special items for herself. Santa liked his women big. That was no secret. Santa’s girlfriend asked him if he was going to stop by tonight. He told her that Mrs. Santa was going through one of her mood swings but he would definitely be by tomorrow. She asked him if he minded “spotting” her some cash. Her light bill was due and she had already gotten a turn off notice. Santa thought to himself:”Wow another one”. After exchanging a few more pleasantries with her, Santa rushed her off the phone. Rudolph was coming out of the barn and was already eaves dropping. That nose did more than shine. It was notorious for sniffing out Santa’s personal business and spreading it all over the North pole.

Inside the workshop Santa headed to his private office. Santa realized he had a lot on his mind. It was time to unwind and maybe catch a nap. He grabbed a beer out of the mini fridge plunged back in his office chair and after a few sips was fast asleep. He awoke later to the sound and smell of an elf farting loudly as he walked past Santa’s office singing “Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaahhh!!” Santa cussed and sat up thinking about his many issues. He decided his most pressing issue for now was tomorrows agenda: How much was his “little” helpers light bill going to cost him and how quickly could he”trim her tree” and get back home before the football game came on.

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