You know, some, or most people call it impolite, disrespectful or uncivilised to do this certain thing. Then again, it could be considered appropriate and outspoken. I know you are dying to know what it is, and yes the funeral procession is tomorrow. Do you know what it is? No it’s not nudity and those lovely nudist beaches. It’s …… ‘swear-words’, swearing.

You’ve done it c’mon, admit it. Then again, haven’t we all. So much for little ms or mr perfect. Isn’t there a situation that brings swear-words out of us – a punch up, an arugument, stuffing up in sport, hitting your foot off the bathroom door, a good looking babe, yeah, yeah, have I got your attention now.

Now isn’t it crazy yet hilarious, naughty yet funny to hear your kids swear, the sweet innocent little darlings – ‘where did you pick that up from young man’. There almost like parrots, they hear it once and repeat it over and over again – ‘shit, shit, oh shit, ha ha.’ And they’ll do it with the utmost enthusiasm; in other words, swearing is great, yeah, maybe not.

Swearing is almost like spreading the love, it’s hard to get away from it. It could be your parents or brother or sister, in the school yard, your stressed boss at work, watching a scary movie – ‘beep, I see dead people’. You could sit in the corner and try and get away from all this mayhem, yeah, in a galaxy far, far away. You could try the strict approach and stand firm and say bugger off, it’s not going to happen to me; but sure enough, someway or somehow, swearing – ‘oh shit’, creaps back in – ‘woops, there you go again’.

Now I’ve come across people who have swore fairly heavily in my presence, but nothing compares to my former boss at this car dealership I was working at. He was a temper swearing machine. Some of the conversations with customers and staff, with uncountable swearwords thrown in, were epic; it was like my boss taking on the Roman Empire, or something for the Guiness Book of Records. I won’t even start to disclose the words that were said, but it ended off by calling certain individuals lowly-life forms, like, ‘you ant, you flea, you crustacean’. You know what, the funny thing was, while some people took offence to my boss’ language, I on the other hand, found it hilarious. I mean his temper and swearing were so bad, something had to give – ‘you find it funny do you?’, as he would say, creating mixed emotions – ‘no, ha ha, no no, yeah, that son-of-a-bitch, mmm.’

My dad, who was pretty good in character, and yes does is religious, would only swear if he hit his foot off a chair or door in the house – ‘oh beep, bloody chair/door’. And the whole family would stop and laugh. Woops, it might happen to one of us one day, watch out. Of course you would say, he should have worn shoes, but that only makes the situation worse, showing him to be careless or negligent.

I recall my days in school all those years back. We used to play ‘bull-rush’ and ‘handball’, remember that guys, weren’t they a classic. Now I’m not up-myself, but I’d piss-off the competitors with my pace and skill. The common term was, ‘catch, or get the beep little beep’, because I was a small fry, a leprechaun. Either I’d run past them like a lightning bolt in bull rush or do a big crack down the line or sneaky corner job in handball – ‘you beep little beep, they’d say. Of course, if they got me, I’d come out with some swearwords as well – ‘get lost’, ‘beep off’.

When I was playing soccer for a Uraguayan team in Sydney one time, I was the only non-Uraguayan in the team and I had stepped on the foot of an opponent of the competing team, who were also European. And apart from ‘beep this and beep that’, ‘you beep little beep came out again; I must have really done his foot good, or maybe I was really that little.

What about all the things people do to stop you swearing? Tough stuff – washing your mouth out with soap – ‘ggggg, I, gggg, didn’t do it’, putting money in a swearbox – ‘c’mon mum, it’s my lucky coin’, getting a slap on the hands or bottom with the wooden spoon ‘ow, that’s going to hurt for the next two weeks’. Good luck all you swearers out there, it’s some rough times ahead.

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