Top Republican Candidates Lead the GOP Circus for 2012

If you are like any conscientious if not disillusioned American, you have tuned in to the Republican debates, the news talk stations, the POTUS’s latest promise of new jobs, and more political news stories than you would ever wish on your worst enemy. Looking to 2012, the GOP has decided that circus of clown candidates should hog the media attention while the few candidates that actually have an inkling about what it takes to run a country have to hide behind fiascos like the Palin “I’m gonna hog all the media attention” bus tours and tea party snafus like the recent debt “crisis”.

So who do we have running for the ringleader of this GOP circus? Here are the leading contestants:

Michelle Bachmann
If you really love Palin but wished the former Alaskan governor had a brain and even more kids, then Bachmann is the choice for you. Just like Palin touted her “maverickness”, Bachmann seems determined to prove that she has is a “leader”. Just a note, if you have to keep convincing people that you are a leader by reminding them every other sentence, then you are probably aren’t a leader. It’s like that has-been from American Idol trying to get a free Blizzard at Dairy Queen because he thinks he’s famous. Not happening, Sanjaya, not happening.

Herman Cain
The Godfather of Pizza is determined to deliver on his 2012 campaign promises, including his 9-9-9 plan (not related in any way to Pizza Hut’s $5-$5-$5 medium pizza deal plan), and his promise that since he has no clue about foreign affairs, that he will go into office and ask someone else what to do. I can imagine President Cain picking up the red phone and asking, “Hey, can I have breadsticks with that?”

Newt Gingrich
If there was a contest for “Dictator of the World” for 2012, Gingrich would win hands-down. Along with Ron Paul, Gingrich is one of the only Republican candidates that doesn’t fall for idiotic media games and cliche. In a few sentences, Gingrich clearly demonstrates that he could run the United States, the United Nations, and the whole world, if he had the chance. And maybe that’s the problem with a President Gingrich. A President Gingrich makes a VP Dick Cheney look like a school girl that just wet her pants. I don’t know if I would want to live in an America with Gingrich as Presidente.

Jon Huntsman
Yep, I had to look up this guy, too. Who is Huntsman? Well, he actually seems to be a less flashy and more moderate version of Romney, a little grayer, too. Of course, at the last debate he defended science which will go over well with educated independents and conservatives, but might freak out the supposed Republican base. I say supposed since it really seems like the fringe-o-las are the ones getting the media attention. Seriously, GOP, if you haven’t realized that pandering to the least educated and most prejudiced part of your party is going to lose the vote in 2012, then maybe the razor wire fence should be built around you and your whack jobs. I’m an optimist. I really believe that Americans aren’t as stupid as MSNBC and FOX make us out to be.

Ron Paul
Full Disclaimer: I entirely plan on writing in Ron Paul for the next election unless someone shows up with a brain and a plan for the next election. Paul doesn’t have the charisma, youth, or stunning handsomeness of some of his competitors, but he actually has some different ideas. For someone that is tired of tiny soundbytes dribbling out of each candidate’s mouth like a mess of split pea baby soup, Ron Paul brings in a refreshing brand of maturity and (crazy) new ideas. Sure, he won’t be able to do half of what he wants to do when he gets the White House (ask Mr. Obama), but at least his ideas and tenacity will make a difference. Plus he’s a ob-gyn. And, ladies, you know how much you have to trust your ob-gyn. It’s more than politics when you are in stirrups. Just saying.

Rick Perry
The latest media sweetheart is governor of Texas Rick Perry, who’s like George W. Bush on steroids. Besides enjoying the “Colbert Bump” in the recent Straw Poll, Perry reminds voters of a bull that sees red. His Texas ways will not win independents, but is welcoming to those voters that wish for the “good ole’ days” when Bush and Cheney were the ones leaking trillions of tax payer dollars per year instead of Obama.

Mitt Romney
Someone who makes the Ken doll seem like it has a lot of personality, Romney gets an “A” for charm and professional attitude, and a “D” for being the one candidate who has experience in firing hundreds of hard workers. The only job building he knows how to do is his own. Yet, he fits the bill for the old 1950s Superman idea of President. So if dashing and handsome and capable of changing in a telephone booth in 60 seconds flat is your qualification for President, Mitt Romney might be your candidate.

For those of you who think I missed out on Kermit the Frog Impersonator Santorum or Reality Show legend Donald Trump or even Palin coming out of the woodwork like fungus in a flooded basement, I purposely omitted these folks. This isn’t a beauty contest or student president contest. This is a real election that hopefully will end up with a real president.

Let’s just hope this Republican circus leaves town before the 2012 election. Otherwise, we better get ready for another four years of the same old show.

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