What Those Labels Really Mean

True story; I was recently shopping and saw a bag of chips that I wanted to buy for a party. I was glad to see the package marked “33% more.” However, when I looked closer, in small print, it read, “Compare our 8 oz. bag to 6 oz. competitors.” The bag didn’t contain more chips, the price wasn’t reduced, it was simply pointing out that 8 ounces is 33% more than 6 ounces. Much as I appreciate a math lesson from a bag of chips I had a sneaking suspicion that the makers of this product were trying to mislead me. This made me realize that manufacturers have a language all their own. Below please find a dictionary of what those labels actually mean:

New and improved! – Same product, larger box.

Now, easier to use! – Same product, smaller box.

Lasts longer! – Hard to chew.

Tastes great! – More salt.

Smoother and Creamier! – More Trans fat.

Tastes like homemade! – More polysorbate 7.

No Trans fats – More palm oil.

No tropical oils! – More saturated fat.

All natural flavor! – Someone with a PhD in chemistry formulated the recipe.

“Froot” flavored – Absolutely no fruit was involved.

“Creme” filled- Absolutely no cream was involved.

“Cheezy” – Absolutely no cheese was involved.

No cholesterol – Could mean anything (grass and wood fibers have no cholesterol).

Gives you energy! – Gives you caffeine.

Extra fiber – Did I mention wood fibers?

Buy one get one free – Please buy these items before the expiration date which is in 18 hours.

Other phrases that should indicate some caution: Bumper 2 Bumper warranty may indicate that both bumpers are covered, and not much else. “This item is free – you just pay postage and handling” means you’re in it for life or until your credit card expires. And most importantly, Limited Warranty may mean, “We will cover this product as long as it doesn’t break.” Let the buyer beware!

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