When I was younger I use to wonder why girls didn’t like nice guys. It would perplex me seeing the guys who were always there, in a girls every waking moment of need, have absolutely no chance at being said girls romantic interest. For a long time I just blamed it on some defect in female nature. I believed that it was just some fatal flaw that females had, to want guys who didn’t care for them, and treated them as such. After a while of pondering this I came to a dramatic realization that changed my perspective on the matter entirely; that it wasn’t the females fault but rather, our fault for acting the way we do. If your head hit the floor let me explain why.
First of all I’m not talking about the being nice aspect of the nice guy, that is completely ok and actually admirable. I am actually talking about everything else that comes along with it. Most nice guys probably have had this thought when seeing a girl they like. ” I would like to get with her but I don’t want to be like all the other guys who hit on her. So I’ll just be really nice to her and help her out with things and hopefully she’ll get the hint and become attracted to me.”
This, my friends, is the problem. The problem here is that the girl you are pining for isn’t stupid. she knows why you volunteer to do every chore that she asks. She knows why you are willing to go way out of your way to help her out with things. She knows why you are willing to drop everything and listen to her about her boy friend problems. And most of all she knows that because you are doing all of this and haven’t made your intentions clear, you are too much of a coward to be a man and go after what you want. You are, in a sense, a fraud.
Even if this isn’t the case and she has no idea what you are up to, think about what that means. It means that she thinks you are a really good friend who wants nothing from her but to be there and help her out. That’s great till she finds out that when you are offering to paint her house what you really meant was, you would exchange painting her house for an opportunity to get in her pants. Learning that everything you were doing for her was part of some elaborate deception probably wont be the most potent aphrodisiac.
For the most part what these girls detect is that you are scared, and when has being scared ever been sexy. Girls say they want a sensitive man who can share all there feelings but what they don’t say is they want is a scared boy who cowers in the face of rejection. If you really think about it, it takes a large amount of courage to put yourself out there with people, sharing with them information that they could potentially use to hurt you. So even in saying they want a sensitive man they are still requesting a man who is strong and secure with himself, just not in the classical sense.
In the interest of full disclosure I was a nice guy before I had this realization and I came up with two underlying causes of this type of behavior in nice guys. The first one is self delusion; The I just want to be friends guy. The fact of the matter is you are lying to yourself and to her by saying this. If you think I’m wrong, think about some of the things that you have done for this girl and ask yourself; If this was one of my male friends would I do the same thing. The answer most of the time will be no. You wouldn’t have driven 20 miles to walk your friend’s dog in the rain while he went out on a date. You wouldn’t buy him lunch everyday with no intention of getting paid back and you probably wouldn’t have gone to see that ballet with him because you ” enjoy experiencing culture”. The main reason you are doing these things is because you want something from this girl and that is not the way a friend behaves.
The second element of this behavior is insecurity. The insecurity you just reek of when you behave like this. Do you actually think that, even though everyone in the office can tell you are in love with this girl just by the way you look at her, she is absolutely oblivious to this. She might find it cute in a puppy dog type of way but does anyone really want to get intimate with someone who they describe with the same adjectives as they describe a French poodle. The answer is an overwhelming No.
Part of the reason for this is that emotions are contagious. Being uncomfortable creates discomfort, being angry seems to make people angry with you and being insecure makes the people around you insecure. Nobody wants to feel that way and that causes people to want to stay way from you, which is the opposite of attraction, making people with those attributes unattractive
The point of all of this is to tell nice guys that they don’t have to change who they are to get girls. In reality girls find the majority of what you do to be very attractive they just need you to stand up and act. Go up to the girl that you want and make your intentions known. This isn’t a guarantee that you will get the girl but it will allow you to know where you stand and help you move on to the next level, whether that’s going on a date with her or moving on to someone who shares the same feelings as you. What I can guarantee is that if you are truly a good guy you will be able to take solace in the fact that the girls that turned you down, because you were “too nice”, are not nearly as happy as the girl you are with now.
If you would like to know more or have any questions email me at [email protected] or go to my facebook page by the same name.