Raleigh, NC-Despite eating healthy, exercising daily, and maintaining a relatively low-stress lifestyle, 30-year-old Triangle native Chip Sanders already suffers from numerous old man symptoms, including but not limited to shrunken balls, jiggling man boobs, glaring bald spots, and whisker-like nose hairs. According to his doctor, Sanjay Sandhu, he is in fact just one ear hair away from being ready to retire and move to Florida.
“I’m 58 years old, and even I don’t suffer from as many symptoms of old age as Chip does,” Doctor Sandhu told reporters as he shook his head, which for the record was covered in a full set of gleaming black hair. “It’s like he’s physically aging faster than everybody else, though judging from his income statement, his Social Security benefits are about four decades behind his balls.”
Chip’s descent into dirty old manhood began four years ago when, slightly after his 25th birthday, Chip noticed a thinning patch of hair in the middle of his scalp. At the time, he figured that his barber had merely made a mistake, but as the year progressed and the patch grew larger, it slowly dawned on Chip that he was going bald.
“It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off now because I’m way too young to be suffering this sort of bullshit,” Chip complained to reporters while trying fervently to fill in his bald spots with a Sharpie permanent marker. “Hell, my friggen pubes haven’t even finished growing yet, and I swear there are like a shitload of 15-year-old boys out there who have thicker chest hair than I have hair on the top of my head.”
Unfortunately, things only got worse for Chip. By 2007, he began experiencing great difficulty keeping his penis fully erect while making love to his wife. A year later, the situation grew so dire that he sought out the counsel of a local $5/hour Gypsy therapist.
“I couldn’t afford seeing a regular doctor or paying for Viagra at the time, so I made an appointment with this holistic dude who claimed he could fix my problem,” Chip explained. “The guy had me pumping up my penis like a tire, wrapping it up tight in cock rings, and popping Ginkgo Biloba pills like they were skittles, but none of it worked!”
The situation was eventually rectified in early 2010 courtesy of the Affordable Care Act, which allowed Chip access to subsidized Viagra prescriptions. But by then, the situation had only grown worse. While his penis was finally able to hold onto blood, it suddenly started to lose its ability to hold onto pee.
“I used to wake up, scratch myself, bang my wife, scratch myself again, take a shower, brush my teeth, feed the dog, eat breakfast, read the newspaper, check my stocks, smoke a cigarette and then take a pee, but that all changed in April 2010.”
According to Chip, he was making sweet love to his wife on the morning of April 12 when he suddenly got an overpowering urge to pee. The same thing happened three days in a row, prompting Chip to start taking a pee right after he woke up each morning. Two months later on June 17th, however, he suddenly woke up in the middle of the night with the same urge to pee. It was at that moment Chip realized he was becoming a dirty old bastard.
“I couldn’t believe it, man; I just couldn’t believe it,” Chip whined to reporters while staring icily at his crotch. “A little over two months ago, I was living it up, and then all of a sudden, I couldn’t sleep just 4 measly hours without having to take a friggen pee.”
He added, “It’s like what the hell is wrong with my dick, man!?”
Sadly, Chip’s situation has declined even further since 2010. His pectorals jiggle like breasts whenever he jogs, his shrunken balls droop so low that they sometimes accidentally get stuck up his ass, his hearing is so poor that he misses out on many of his wife’s verbal advances, and his testicles smell so bad that his dog purposefully avoids his presence.
The only thing keeping Chip sane during this tumultuous period of time is the fact that he has yet to sprout an ear hair.
“As soon as the first ear hair shows up, it’s a wrap, man,” Chip told reporters as he stood outside on his balcony, a golden ray of sunshine glaring off the top of his partially bald scalp. “I’m quitting my job, leaving my wife for a hot toddy half my age and moving to Florida!”
Moral of the story: It sucks to get old!