The 2011 MTV VMAs came and left. In other news, the world is still turning. First off, I thought it was still August. Kind of looks like Halloween across the first few rows. Lady Gaga has, hands down, the best costume. She does a better old school Al Pacino than DeNiro could. Amazing. She looks like Carla’s husband, Nick, from Cheers. She is a genius! Love it.
Flash forward to the lady who looks like Mrs. White from CLUE. She gets to sing at every commercial break? Not too bad. Best one-legged performance since Cap’t Bluebird sailed the seven seas.
Chris Brown. He’s the Michael Vick of the music business. And, by glorifying him tonight, MTV now joins ESPN on the list of trashy television networks who ignore horrible hate crimes against life because somebody has marginal talent. The only thing I wanted more than for those cables to break was for Rihanna to run on stage and judo-chop him in his disgusting face.
Adele. Wow! What a voice. She does have the best new voice of the past few years. No denying that. However, please Adele, please, enough with the sadness. Before releasing your next album, please have a date. I can’t take anymore of the heartache and heartbreak. Don’t allow yourself to be typecast into that genre. There’s no coming back from it. The world doesn’t need another The Cure.
Best Male Video. OK, it is official. When Justin Bieber beat Cee Lo for best male video MTV officially died. It’s over. Will the last employee please turn out the lights when you exit the building. Forget You is one of the best songs of the millennium, nay, my lifetime. How anybody, let alone a little boy, could beat him is beyond all reaches of sanity. This folks, is why 12-year old girls shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything – not idols, not awards, not homecoming queen, not for what game to play in gym class, not for what to eat at lunch. Nope, 12-year old girls cannot be trusted to get it right, ever.
Bieber’s speech. When he thanked both God and Jesus, I was rolling in the deep laughter of my soul. He’d better thank them both. If there is a God and/or Jesus, they both deserve a massive Timeout for allowing this spawning-gone-wrong to be fertilized. Clock’s ticking Biebs. It’s half past minute 14.
Beyonce. She’s singing for two now. Best performance of the night. Man, that lady has got lungs!
Lady Gaga. Still loving that costume. Gonna be that for Halloween. Won’t be as realistic though since I am a guy.
Britney. Finally, the train wreck did not appear. Looked quite classy.
Jersey Shore w/ Cloris Leachman. Mmmm. Cloris was by far the sexiest lady on that stage! Actually, she was the only lady on the stage.
Bruno Mars. This generation’s Michael Jackson? James Brown? Little Richard? Maybe all three.
Katie Holmes. Isn’t MTV against the laws of science fiction? I mean Scientology?
Video of the Year. Katy Perry. Hottest cheesehead Packers’ fan since that episode of That ’70s Show where Donna goes to a Green Bay game.
Russell Brand. Best thing to happen to MTV since Jackass!
Rihanna. Doing more to unintentionally set back the women’s movement since Republicans ran the White House. Does Rihanna have to be the female artist on EVERY hip hop duet featuring a female? She’s with Eminem, Jay-Z, Ne-Yo, Maroon 5, it goes on and on. Remember how, five years ago, Dakota Fanning got every role in Hollywood that called for a girl between the ages of birth and 14? Rihanna is the only go to woman for a duet. Is she the only female who can sing? Sure sounds like it. Michele Bachmann has a more liberal barefoot and pregnant life ideology than the hip hop industry. Sad.
Lil Wayne. Closing performance might have been good…if we could have heard it. More bleeps and beeps than R2-D2 on steroids.
Good night. Next year, bring back A Flock of Seagulls!!!