Forgive Your Father: If You Had a Deadbeat Dad, Read This

My father was never in my life. The only time I saw my father was when I went to his house. The only time I talked to him was when I called him. He never came to see me and he never called me.

I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t important to my father. He had 11 other kids, and he never made an effort to gather all his kids together so that we can meet each other. He didn’t really care about any of us.

I didn’t grow up angry with him, but didn’t really respect him either. Even now, I still don’t have much respect for him. But I can say that I no longer have any desire to be loved by him.

My theory is that our fathers only leave a void if our mothers allow that void to be there. When I was a child, my mom used to talk about how no good my dad was, and that he wasn’t there because he was a drug dealer, a cheater, or whatever else. She constantly reminded me that something was missing from my life. The message was basically “You have a father, he is supposed to be here, but he’s not because he’s no good.” That is the message that wounded me, and that message wounds other people that gone through what I went through.

I think that if single mothers try to be all their children can ever need, the children won’t feel so empty inside. Boys who don’t have a father definitely have a void because their mothers have a hard time doing or saying anything close to what a father would do. A lot of women are soft on their sons, while fathers are harder on there sons. But when there is no father, the mothers are still being too soft on their sons, and it hinders the son from becoming the kind of man he is supposed to be. If single mothers can remember that they are raising a man instead of a boy, they can do a much better job at turning their sons into real men.

But the main point is that the way our mothers raise us has a lot to do with how we feel about our fathers.

One of the things that helped me to get closure was when my mom started to be a little more open about what really happened between her and my father. She finally admitted that she and my father didn’t know each other very well. They dated for a bit, but they didn’t really know each other. Once she started to know his true colors, I was already in her belly. It was too late.

Knowing the truth behind what happened started my healing process. The second thing that helped me heal was when I actually called my father and talked to him about how he was never in my life. I admit that I didn’t go easy on him. You could even say that I was a little mean, but nonetheless he deserved it all. After that conversation was over, I finally saw for myself how no good he was. He even blamed me for why he wasn’t in my life (he said I was pushing him away). And then he hung up on me at the end of our conversation.

You may think that this would hurt me more, but it showed me what kind of a man he was. You can’t be a good father if you aren’t a good man. Sometimes we see our parents as beyond human. Our parents are the first real life superheroes we experience. But we have to realize that our parents were not always our parents. There was a point in their life when they were just a man, or just a woman. They had a life before we were even born. And the person they truly are may be different from the kind of person we expect them to be as a parent. My father was a not a deadbeat dad, he was a deadbeat man. Once I realized that he was not just a dad, but he was human, I started to be more accepting of his ways.

Let’s face it. People suck. People have issues. But just because one of those people is your father doesn’t make him less human than anyone else. He’s still a person just like all the other liars, drug dealers, skirt chasers, drunks, drug abusers, etc. All these people have bad habits, but they’re human. It’s just that they don’t need to have kids! But some of these people did have kids, and you just happen to be one of the kids.

What hurt me so bad was that I had such high expectations of what a parent should be, but then I met more and more people that had less than stellar mothers or fathers, and it showed me that I wasn’t alone. It showed me that we all expected our parents to be something that they just weren’t. We can’t control other people. We can’t make them into decent human beings. But we can control what we do as an individual. We can make sure that we don’t repeat the same mistakes that our parents made.

We’re very idealistic in this country. We want the perfect family, the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect school, the perfect friends, the perfect life. But that’s just not realistic. The American Dream is not perfect. It’s only perfect on the outside. But on the inside of that dream house is a nice looking family that is just as dysfunctional as everyone else’s family. We need to let go of the unrealistic dream, and create a new dream that is much more suitable for us an individual. You may find that having a relationship with your deadbeat dad isn’t truly what you value the most out of life. You may find that he is irrelevant to you.

Holding on to what someone has done to you only keeps you attached to them. Your life is your life, and you shouldn’t let anyone have that much control over your happiness. When someone brings up my father, I can talk about him without feeling angry. Granted, he’s an idiot, but that has nothing to do with me. My life choices have nothing to do with his life choices. Just because he is my father doesn’t mean we have to be friends. I live life for myself-not my father. And you should do the same.


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