This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Two of Us!

The one thing about my ex I have to say, is that he has always been considerate of my feelings. I know he was only thinking of me, when he decided to move he and Giselle into a huge luxury home around the corner from me: behind a gate no less. As if. As if my cleaning lady’s friend’s friend, doesn’t know the gate code, and I won’t be driving slowly by several times a day. Please. And how awesome is this of him? Now I will be able to keep up with her comings and goings without even leaving the neighborhood.

The one thing I didn’t take into account was that now I couldn’t really hide either. This became apparent as I was out on my daily morning walk with Rudy, my 150 pound English mastiff. I was wearing my usual morning walk attire, sweat shirt, pajama bottoms, Ugg slippers and baseball cap and eating a fruit roll up when she passed me in her silver BMW convertible, top down of course. Her blonde hair was pulled into one of those really nice tight pony tails, the kind that made my head look like a big egg. Oh crap.
I had planned our first face to face meeting in my head millions of times. I of course was wearing Donna Karan, or Chanel or one of those types, and in my fantasy my mini face lift had healed beautifully as had the lasar hair removal and my face was smooth, glowing and unlined. My hair was highlighted and cut to perfection and my shoes, Louboutin, I think that’s the ones with the red bottoms? Ah well, one can dream.
She slowed down slightly, and I got a quick look at her as she reached down for her cell. Then she hit the gas and was off. I wanted to yell “Giselle! Wait! I don’t really look like this!” but let’s face it, I do.

I clunked back home in my Uggs and sought solace from my best friend, GOOGLE. I typed in “Coping with Infidelity”and here is what I read:
“An affair is devastating to almost everyone involved. It’s one of the most painful experiences that the jilted spouse will ever be forced to endure, and it is also very painful for the children. Friends and members of the extended family are usually hurt as well. But what most people don’t realize is that the unfaithful spouse and the lover are also hurt by the experience. It almost always causes them to suffer acute depression, often with thoughts of suicide. With all this sadness, why do so many people do it?”

Well, I felt just awful. How could I not have stopped to consider how poor Giselle felt in all of this? No wonder I was facing divorce, I am just a big self centered dolt. I tried to think of ways that I could make this easier for her and came up with a great idea: A Welcome to the Neighborhood Basket. I made a list of things to include:
1. My ex’s high cholesterol meds and CPAC machine
2. The needlepoint pillow I made him that read “HERE LIVES A FISHERMAN WITH THE BEST CATCH OF HIS LIFE”
3. An updated calendar with his current hair, spa and manicure schedule
4. The sweatshirt the kids got him for Father’s Day that has a giant Mastiff head on it and reads “My Dad Loves Me”
5. A complete daily schedule for the kids that includes my son’s 2 hour weekly community service at the local park picking up trash, due to what he calls a “minor traffic offense,”but what I call driving around at
2 am with 6 boys in the car at age 14.
6. The note we received from my sons’s baseball coach telling us where we can retrieve the lighter that was confiscated.
7. My son.
I thought it would be a nice touch to enclose a note:
“Hi Giselle, I thought these things would make the transition from secret girlfriend to live in concubine easier for you. Since you will be having the children several nights a week, I would suggest putting away all your liquor, any lipsticks you may have in the shade of red, (Haley likes to experiment, ) and any lighters, matches, or sticks that could conceivably be rubbed together to start a flame. I am also enclosing a bottle of ADD medicine, for what ever child is exhibiting signs at any given time.
Welcome to the neighborhood!”
One thing about me, I always go out of my way for new neighbors.

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