Everyone who follows politics is wondering which GOP candidate will win the nomination to face off against Barack Obama in 2012. A question of equal importance is “which Smurf does each of the candidates resemble?” Let’s take a look, starting with the frontrunners:
Mitt Romney = Clockwork Smurf
The former Massachusetts governor has much in common with Clockwork Smurf, who is a wooden robot. After all, Romney has a personality reminiscent of a wooden board. But unlike Clockwork, who has a strong sense of morality, Romney will say anything that will keep him in power.
Rick Perry = Papa Smurf
Rick Perry wins the prize of resembling Papa Smurf, the head of the Smurfs, though more for his image than for his leadership abilities. Papa Smurf sports a sagely white beard, and despite his French heritage, invokes a rugged, masculine image akin to that of Ronald Reagan. Likewise, Perry looks the part of an aging former movie star. Also, both are leaders of a state: Papa Smurf of the mono-racial Smurf Village, and Perry of the multiracial state of Texas.
Herman Cain = Baker Smurf
Baker Smurf provides his fellow Smurfs with baked goods, and Herman Cain, as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, provides Americans with cheap, low quality pizza. However, the Smurfs are frequently seen eating Baker Smurf’s creations, and no one is ever seen eating pizza from Godfather’s.
Michele Bachmann = Smurfette
This one was easy. Smurfette, for most of Smurf history, has been the only female, and Michele Bachmann is the only non pseudo-candidate for the Republicans.
Ron Paul = Vanity Smurf
The crotchety libertarian is very much the Smurf equivalent to Vanity Smurf. Both are obsessed with their physical appearance, which is admittedly beautiful in both cases. However, Vanity Smurf’s voice is hardly commanding, while Paul’s is deep and authoritative.
Newt Gingrich = Grouchy Smurf
It might be more accurate to say that Grouchy Smurf–who lives up to his name–reminds you of Newt Gingrich more than the other way around. Indeed, Gingrich is so simmering with rage that he could be named “Grouchy Candidate.”
Rick Santorum = Clumsy Smurf
Poor Rick Santorum. The former Senator has a perpetual look of confusion on his face; it’s almost as though he’s trying to figure out where he is at all times. Like Clumsy Smurf, he is sure to be the least intelligent creature in the room. In addition, Clumsy Smurf collects rocks, and Santorum is as exciting as a rock.
Jon Huntsman = Brainy Smurf
One look at Brainy Smurf and his glasses tells you that he must be smart. While his true intellectual capability is debatable, it is true that he appears smart. The same is true for Huntsman, who accepts mainstream scientific views, such as global climate change being a fact. Few people know enough about Huntsman to know if he is actually bright, but on first glance he surely seems like an intellectual giant compared to the competition.
Chris Christie = Greedy Smurf
This might be the easiest comparison yet. Greedy Smurf eats obsessively, and judging from Chris Christie’s morbid obesity, he must eat obsessively too. Perhaps this is why Christie resisted running: it would give him less time to eat.
Conclusion
Anyone voting in the primaries would be wise to consider what Smurf their favored candidate would be. Sure, fiscal and international policy experience are important, but never, ever neglect the Smurf issue.