Why Your Favorite Candidate for President Can’t Win in 2012

Most of you probably have your favorite candidate in the Republican presidential field. I am sure that you have likely heard someone say that your candidate can’t win. They are right; your candidate can’t win. To prove it, I am going to list some bullet points that will weigh against each candidate and poke some fun at them in the process. Let’s get started.

Newt Gingrich

Newt has too much baggage. Even Michelle Obama packs lighter. He has said and done too much that has angered too many people over his career. Gingrich is the archetypal insider. He is Washington. How can a man that received so much money from Freddie Mac win? He has too many more useless books to write to be president. Not as many cases of infidelity as Bill Clinton, but too many nevertheless.

Rick Santorum

Who is he? Is he even running for president? Nobody cares about family values this time around. That is so 2004. Santorum lost his last reelection campaign. No one is going to vote for a loser. He’s too conservative. He actually believes some of that Catholic stuff. He is the prototypical second banana, a VP in waiting.

Ron Paul

He reminds too many of Ross Perot. Where are all the volunteers? He wants us to live within our means. We don’t want to be told this. What are we, teenagers? Dad can I borrow the car? Can I have $20? Whatever will we do without the Fed? Tell me again how that gold standard thing works? I trade my worthless paper bills for this gold brick here? His foreign policy is crazy. Everybody should have nuclear weapons! Here, have a couple of H-bombs.

Jon Huntsman

He’s Mitt Romney’s little brother. I call him mini-Mitt. Didn’t he have something to do with the Chinese or something? I know, he’s the Manchurian Candidate! He’s Mormon and that will not play well in Dixie. He’s just another rich white guy running for president. He worked for the Obama administration, but does he get credit for having the sense to leave?

Michelle Bachmann

She is just a Sarah Palin wanna-be. I can see that from my couch.
No sitting member of the US House has been elected president since Garfield. No woman has ever been elected. We would never figure out what to call her husband should she become president. She’s too extreme. She actually believes in God and family and all that other stuff.

Rick Perry

Haven’t we had enough presidents from Texas already? Two would just be too many! He is the worst debater since Admiral Stockdale. The president is not allowed to carry a bigger gun than his secret service detail. He actually prays to Jesus. We just can’t have that! He sounds too much like George W. Bush. He supports illegal immigration.

Mitt Romney

He ran last time. Once was enough! He’s a liberal Republican from the Northeast. Romneycare! He is Mormon and redneck Southerners will not vote for him. He flip flops more than a fish out of water. Isn’t he an actor or something? Well, at least he looks the part. He said he believes in man-made global warming. He worked on Wall Street.

Barack Obama (can’t forget him!)

He is Jimmy Carter without the sweater and the Southern accent. No president has ever been reelected with unemployment above 8%. Of course, the Administration will take care of that little fact! He can’t fool us again with that hope and change garbage. Not even the One can win twice with Joe Biden weighing him down! Obamacare! No one is going to believe him when he says that he can lower the sea levels again.

I don’t want to discourage anyone, so even though your candidate can’t win you need to get out there and vote. It is like the lottery, someone has to win!

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