OK gentlemen – Hurricane Irene is upon us. It’s time to flex those pectorals and be the man of the house.
You see, early man had dinosaurs and saber tooth tigers to contend with. The Middle Ages presented abundant opportunities for manliness. Our grandfathers had World Wars. However, today’s man has little opportunity to be, well, a man. This is why Hurricane Irene and its potential for great havoc represent an awesome opportunity to put your primitive instincts to work.
However, before you get too excited, you need a plan. I know everyone’s circumstances are different, but these basic principles must be followed to attain the designation of hurricane hero.
#1 Call mom
Remember the last time you spoke to your mom? Well neither does she.
Calling mom before a hurricane gives her bragging rights. The next time she attends a church function or plays bridge with her friends, she will let anyone within hearing distance know what a great job she did raising you. All you need to do is pick up the cell phone and check on her. She may reside in Arizona, but who cares. You called.
Bonus tip: be sure to remind her you called prior to the hurricane in your holiday card.
#2 Buy masking tape – lots and lots of masking tape
Why masking tape? Why not!
As guys, we have a love affair with masking tape. It’s sort of a bromance. It’s strong enough to hold virtually anything together and has a shiny silver coat that says, ‘hey – I am over the top.’ If your wife or girlfriend gives you a hard time about why you bought so much, just tape an arbitrary window or two reminding them of how much you love them.
#3 Bond with the dog
Real men love dogs. But it does have to be a big dog, of course.
What’s more precious to the family than a man embracing the pet during a natural disaster? Not a thing. The kids will feel secure, your wife remembers you have a tender side, and the dog will be yours in case of a divorce. It’s total win.
#4 Update your fantasy sports team’s line-up
Hurricanes mean blackouts. Blackouts mean no power. No power means zero access to your fantasy sports team.
There is always one guy in a league who will become subject to ridicule because he did not prepared for the hurricane. Don’t be that guy. Remember – a reputation is hard to shake. Who wants to be known as the unprepared fantasy owner during a little thing like a category 4 hurricane?
#5 Refuse to shop for groceries
Have you ever needed anything at the grocery store before a storm? Who did you see in there? Only old people, vegetarians, and the meek shop before a natural disaster. Nothing says ‘I’m scared’ like the desire to pick up fresh food just prior to storm. This especially applies to the pressure of picking up milk or bread.
Be strong! Do not show weakness. The family can live on canned tuna and water for an extended period of time. Trust me on this one.
Exception to the rule: toilet paper. If you need toilet paper, absolutely make the trip.
Gentlemen, I hope you found this helpful. With the right attitude and these tips, declare yourself ready to be a leader and king of the castle!