Dear Mr. Colbert,
It is not my usual practice to write open letters to random celebrities, however, for an American as patriotic as you, I am choosing to make an exception. About a week ago “The Colbert Report,” the cornerstone of all American media, was suddenly and mysteriously suspended for two days. I, along with many of your fans, believed that there was a plot afoot to silence the patriotic message of your show. Some of us even heard that Mitt Romney was wooing you into running with him as his Vice Presidential candidate.
However, it was with much sympathy that I read the news of your mother’s illness. In order to display our support for your show while you were gone, my family and I performed the following acts:
1) We ate nothing but Americone Dream ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner. 2) We wore nothing but an American Flag, which we draped across our bodies. 3) I adopted an eagle.
It was with great relief that we welcomed you back after your two-day hiatus from “The Colbert Report.” You dispelled all the crazy rumors that had been swirling around your absence, for instance that you had been in rehab! As if such a thing could happen. Of course, Joan Rivers assumed that you had taken time off plastic surgery – someone should tell her that the only kind of surgery you need is the kind that could perfect perfection. It doesn’t exist.
My family and I are also preparing our home for your soon-to-be released book, “I am a Pole (And So Can You!).” I was elated when I saw your interview with Maurice Sendak – this great children’s book author recognized your innate and raw talent by saying, “The sad thing is that I like it.” My children will learn the important lessons that the pole in your story learned: That it is hard work being a stripper pole, and that we should all pay allegiance to the flag, “or else.”
We have cleared our bookshelves of all extraneous books. Needless to say, the only books on our shelf now are “I am America (And so can You!)” and The Bible. We wait with bated breath your latest masterpiece, which the Huffington Post says will be released on May 8th of this year.
Well, Mr. Colbert, I thank you for the time you’ve taken in reading this letter. No doubt you had better things to do. Things like watching the elegant arch of your eyebrow in the mirror, or setting wild weasels loose in the PETA corporate offices.
Stay great, Mr. Colbert. Your fans will be here supporting you every step of the way.
God bless America,
Lisa
Sources I Used for This Article:
The Colbert Report
The Huffington Post
International Business Times