ATTN: Spouse


RE: Laundry

Dear Hubby,

It has come to management’s attention by way of running out of clean bras that you are not doing the laundry. Since we both have careers that demand the same from both of us, as you recall we decided to divide up the chores equally. One chore you agreed to do was the laundry.

Management’s wardrobe is much larger than yours on account of the fact we call it a wardrobe. Since we have run out of clothes, you must have run out of clothes at least three days ago. With this in mind, we are considering the fact that dirty clothes are on your body at the present time. Let us go over the procedures of clothing maintenance and highlight the importance of following these procedures according to company policy.

First and foremost, laundry goes into the hamper, not the floor. As an executive of the company we expect you to set the example to the more inexperienced staff (ie. the children) and to supervise proper procedure in all bedrooms and bathrooms. It is essential that you do laundry before laundry is needed for following days. If all that is clean in the drawer are an undershirt and an odd sock, the time to do laundry is overdue. We expect you to prioritize your commitments to fit the needs of the company. This being said you cannot stretch out the time between doing laundry by wearing clothes multiple times, even if they don’t seem dirty. More importantly, do not send our children to school wearing the same clothes every day. Teachers will talk and send letters home addressing management’s fault. Pretty soon we’ll be getting calls from Child Protective Services and if management is not present to explain we will have to lay off staff. I know that sounds like a beneficial prospect, but management does not agree.

While we are on the subject, management knows about the unauthorized testing of dirty laundry which has created false results. We request that supervisors put a stop to this practice immediately. It is not a legitimate way to determine the cleanliness of textiles by putting them to your nose and inhaling deeply, especially underwear.

Clean underwear is a very valuable asset to management. We think of all the risks involved with working here including being in a car accident and the need for medical attention without being able to explain the ill kept nature of your undergarments. Each department wishes to work more efficiently and while we appreciate the effort it is important underwear is only worn once. The practice of turning underwear inside out to wear it an extra day will now be seen as insubordination and disciplinary action such as cancelling the company golf tournament will be taken.

On a more specific note, we recall briefing supervisors thoroughly on handling stains, both fresh and set in. Neither set of steps included spraying the kids with the hose while they are wearing the stained clothes.

Let us move on to the process of doing laundry. After drying, it is important to separate the laundry properly according to its owner. Although you and our six year old son find it very funny, management is not amused seeing you wear his underwear. We do not care how much you love Batman. We request that all laundry is folded and that you do not stuff them in the drawer. This saves management time in ironing, making the workplace more effective and stress free.

We hope we have made all policies and procedures clear. If you have any questions, feel free to ask any person in management with the name Mom.


Your Loving Wife

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