Bacon Love

One of the worst things to happen to fat people all around the world was the invention of pre-cooked bacon.

I love bacon. I always have. When I go to a restaurant my eye instantly zeros in on an entree featuring bacon. It could be a burger topped with slices of smoked bacon, a chicken breast smothered in cheese, barbecue sauce and diced bacon, or a hearty soup with the mysterious sounding “hint of bacon” (which sounds to me as though they took a stiff strip of bacon, stirred the soup with it, then wastefully discarded it).

The only thing that held me back from eating bacon 24-7 was the process of preparing it. You used to have to buy a pound of raw bacon at the supermarket, rip off pieces with your greasy fingers, toss the strips into a frying pan, and then wait while the bacon cooked. This might take as long as 15 minutes! When fatty wants his bacon, fatty wants his bacon NOW!

Standing by the stove top watching the bacon sizzle is a time-consuming drag. It’s also hazardous to your health. There’s the constant risk of injury resulting from bacon grease splattering and burning your exposed skin. Frying up a half-pound of bacon in the nude is not advised for the novice bacon-maker.

There’s also the risk of overcooking or undercooking the bacon. If you pull it out of the grease too soon your bacon is fatty, flimsy, and disgusting. Far too close to human flesh for my liking. If you pull it out too late you will find yourself eating blackened char (Uncle Owen? Aunt Beru?). It takes years of experience in bacon preparation to recognize the precise moment to remove the bacon from the heat.

Now modern technology has created a way for fatty to have his bacon within seconds of his belly beginning to growl. I can throw a handful of bacon strips onto a paper towel, microwave them for 20 seconds, and then sit back and savor the rich, hickory flavor. I can make a BLT in record time (especially when I decide to hold the “L” and the “T”…besides, the lettuce and tomato only serve as obstacles that get between my tongue and the delicious one-two punch of bacon and mayonnaise). I can top a baked potato or jazz up a dull turkey sandwich. I can even walk around town chewing the bacon like tobacco if I so choose. This practice is not yet socially accepted, but I imagine it is only a matter of time before it catches on.

Yes, the sky is truly the limit now that bacon has become a hassle-free cooking experience. The challenge of traditional bacon preparation was the only thing which stood in the way of me involving bacon in all my home-made meals, whether it is breakfast, lunch or dinner. With easy instant bacon I can now eat bacon to my heart’s content (and, based on the shooting pains I’m feeling in that general vicinity, my heart would be content if I stopped shoveling bacon into my mouth permanently).

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