Cats in Bags, Birds in Cages, Rabbits in Hats, & These Pages (5)

Paranoia is tricky. It’s either real or it isn’t. In my opinion it is very real , but most people are lucky enough not to experience it. Paranoia is different for everyone, but if you can’t sleep without thinking about gravy in the brain, here are some measures to take to be on the safe side: Don’t carry $100 dollar bills. Wear a tin foil hat. Abolish all technology from your residence. Walk crooked so potential snipers will be thrown off guard. Wear many layers in hopes of keeping the peeping toms away. Avoid Christmas lights. Avoid Christmas. Buy a police uniform costume incase of emergencies. Take out your ceiling fan. If you live alone, put an empty beer bottle near every entry point of your home, and keep your ears open for breaking glass. Do research at a library if you must, but never check out “Catcher in the Rye.” Beware of public toilets, especially if you’re a woman. Lock up your food. Discard hair and nail clippings. Live off the grid. Carry a disguise with you at all times, especially a wig and sunglasses. Beware of people in white coats, people in threes, people with matching shirts, people who put up umbrellas in the daytime, and silent helicopters. Take the tracker out of your passport or ID. Try not to own any government IDs. Take public transportation. Hide in a dark public place if need be, like a movie theater or sleazy strip joint. Travel light. Find a job that pays under the table. If you must, choose mushrooms over LSD. Use the stairs instead of the elevator. Only order drinks which still have the cap sealed on. Send a handwritten message to someone using a cheap public business, like sending flowers or candy. Don’t drink the bug juice.

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