Chop Chop Master Onion: A Tribute

In my formidable years, my dad spent a lot of time on the road for business (or so he claims). Like any child, I became lonely and craved a father figure. Fortunately, I would find the paternal role model I so badly yearned for in Chop Chop Master Onion, who delightfully makes an appearance in multiple Sony PlayStation games.

I first met Chop Chop Master Onion early on a Tuesday evening. At school that day I had traded Blast Corps, a Nintendo 64 game, to a friend for a PlayStation game called PaRappa the Rapper. Little did I know my life was about to change, and might I add it changed for the better.

As soon as I popped the disc in, I entered a magical fantasy land where I took the role of an aspiring canine rapper named PaRappa. I was into Eminem at the time, so I had no trouble empathizing with this protagonist.

The very first level scared me at first, as I entered a dojo and spotted a large anthropomorphic onion. But my fears were assuaged when I learned he was there to teach me about rapping and life in general. He told me, “Kick! Punch! It’s all in the mind,” and I took this lesson to heart.

When I returned to school on Friday–I skipped the previous two days for a Mega Jolt-fueled PaRappa the Rapper marathon–I was more confident than ever. When I took my honors calculus test that day, I repeated my new mantra, “It’s all in the mind,” over and over. After being warned not to talk during class, I quieted down and whizzed through the test. My solid “D” was just enough to pass the class, and I have always credited Chop Chop Master Onion for instilling in me the confidence to graduate from high school.

But my relationship with this Onion-man had only just begun. I learned there was a new game in the PaRappa series called Um Jammer Lammy. In that game, you took the role of a meek lamb who wants to be a rock star.

Needless to say, I bought this game the day it came out. And once again, I got a lesson from Chop Chop Master Onion in the very first level. To my horror, he had now lost his dojo, but told me through Lammy that he was okay with this, because the dojo remained in his mind. And now it had a casino, so things were, in actuality, quite satisfactory.

I meditated on this concept for several days–and by that I mean I continuously played PlayStation–until I had reached a state of spiritual enlightenment similar to what Buddhists call Nirvana.

That was over 10 years ago, and today I remain in a constant state of peace, where I feel like I am one with the universe. And I owe this all to one vegetable/person: Chop Chop Master Onion. He’s my mentor, my spiritual adviser, and my best friend.

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