Men Are Dogs, Women Are Cats

If I believed in evolution to explain the insanity that we call “humans”, it would go more like this.

Men evolved from Dogs, women evolved from Cats. Ya ya, I know, there is the same question I ask all the time about the evolving from apes thing…”Why did they quit evolving and we still have apes/dogs and cats?” But we are talking about evolution here and obviously the theory can be flawed and millions will still believe in it. After all, you have millions who believe Joseph Smith was a divine prophet who led his people to the middle of the Utah desert because God told him to and even millions more who believed Obama was the Christ on Earth who just happens to like running around in limousines and private jets and spouting inane stupidities to an even less aware audience. But then you will never hear me say humans are the smartest creatures on planet Earth. I know they think they are but truth is most imbeciles don’t know they are imbeciles.

But back to dogs and cats, errr….men and women. Maybe the dogs and cats we have now are those who failed miserably at being men and women and were sentenced to life again as well…dogs and cats. But why are there girl and boy dogs and cats one might wonder. Well maybe because they are the ones that failed so miserably at being what they were and treated the other sex so horribly they are cursed to be he/she/she/he. But there is no denying the reality men resemble dogs and women resemble cats. All one needs to do to see the similarity is actually watch a dog or cat for a day.

Dogs are co-dependent. They really can not function without either an owner or a “pack”. Men, are the same. They always need someone to feed them, stroke their egos, pet them, tell them when to behave, how to flush the toilet, even what size of clothing to buy. If they lose an owner/mother/wife they immediately set out to find another just so they can function and feel like they are important. Forget to feed them, they get cranky, take away their bone or their toys, they go crazy, yell at them they either sulk or bite.

You can’t leave town and lock the dog in the house. Not only will he eat all his food in one day (much too stupid to see the bag sitting on the shelf a few feet away) then starve to death after dumping all over the floor, the dog will tear your house to pieces. You will come home to trash strung across the floor, pillows chewed up and in the middle of what looks like a party gone bad will be the dog, dead or dying in their pitiful co-dependent way. Or he will have smelled a female in heat somewhere and dived through your living room window in search of a bit of mindless fornication completely oblivious to the damage created on the way out.

You can’t leave a man home alone either. He too will eat all the food in the house in one day, completely forget he knows how to go to the grocery store, spend all your money going out to eat, invite the “pack” in to trample your house, pile up dishes, feel abandoned and maybe go to the bar with the pack looking for someone to “pet” him, and you will come home and find him laying in the middle of what looks like a party gone bad all pitiful and shrunken from lack of attention. The smells of dirty dishes and dirty clothing will invade you as you walk through the front door. And you of course will feel “needed”. Pfffffttttt!

Dogs love to be petted. They don’t care who is doing the petting as long as they get petted. It is attention after all. Their legs jerk, their tongues hang out, their eyes glaze over…kind of reminds you of something else doesn’t it? They want to hear you say “good dog” and “you are so wonderful”…blah, blah blah. Yep, just like a man, “Stroke my ego, stroke my ego….oooooo yes….stroke me.”

Give a dog a bone, then just to confuse the dog, lay out another bone, a littler one with no meat at all, a few feet away. The dog will want both bones, and will try to figure out a way to have both. He won’t even notice the bone he has is bigger and juicier, better in all ways. “Nooo…I must have both” the dog will think. And when he trips over his own silly feet trying to grab up the second, near worthless bone and the good bone falls down into the heater vent he will devour the little bone then mope for hours over the place he lost his good bone.

Give a man a woman, a great, beautiful good woman then set a skin and bones, plastic version of a woman down a few feet away and he too will want both. Not because he needs both but because another man/dog might want them. After all, just like the dog the man wants what all the other dogs/men want, it must be good if they want it so he too must have it. Then when he loses the good woman after chasing after the other only to find out he got nothing but a mouth full of well chewed plastic, he mopes and squirms and tries to figure out how to get back the first woman/bone.

Desert a dog he runs around getting into trouble, begging for food, wanders into the middle of the road, gets all filthy and shaggy and basically barely survives until he is picked up and put in the pound where he is fed and confined until he can bat his pitiful eyes at possible new owners long enough that one finally falls for his dubious charms and takes him home.

Desert a man he runs around getting into trouble, begging for attention, wandering aimlessly through bars and dating sites, gets all filthy and shaggy and barely survives until he can find someone to take him home.

Cats, are not co-dependent. In fact a cat is so independent you sometimes wonder if they want you around at all. A cat loves it when you feed them and take care of their every need, but they don’t care if you do or not. Forget to feed them they will just look at you with disdain then wander off to find food on their own. Take away their toys they will just turn your curtains into toys. If they lose an owner/keeper/husband they just yawn and take a nap before planning out their next move.

You can leave town and leave the cat alone. Set out some food and water and they won’t even notice you leaving the house. Forget to set out food and water they will find it because they are smart enough to know where these things might be and will invent a method to obtain them. They will enjoy their solitude, take a nap, stare out the window and basically be content to just…wait.

Leave a woman home alone she will do what she always does, clean the house, go to the store, take care of bills, primp and bathe, take a nap, enjoy a bit of solitude, stare out the window and…wait.

Cats love to be petted….when they want petted. And they are picky only allowing petting by who they want touching them. If you don’t pet them they just sniff and walk away to find something else to do. When you pet them they stretch out and get all languid and content, purr with satisfaction and fall asleep. Afterwards they will even rub up against your legs and act like you are special. If they don’t want you to pet them they will hiss and scratch then saunter away with their fur bristling in indignation.

Give a cat a meaty bone then lay out another bone, a tiny bone with no substance or meat on it she will look at you like you are stupid, after all you just gave a cat a bone…turn her nose up at the smaller bone then start nibbling delicately at the nice juicy bone. When the meat is all gone she will leave the bone and the other bone…for the dog.

Give the woman a man, a good man and set another man anywhere around her and if the first man is a good man she won’t even notice the other man. If all the other women are after the other man she will sit and think how stupid the other cats/women are because she already got the only man worth having, because after all if he is smart enough to be with her then he must already be a peg above all the other bones/men.If he turns out to be a bad man/bone she will throw him out…to the dogs.

Desert a cat she finds shelter, hunts down food, learns to stay out of sight, dodges cars (unless of course she was one of those men who are just a cat to learn a lesson), views all strangers with distrust, finds someone to pet her when she wants, and basically survives until someone takes her home where she might or might not stay…depending on how the new pet behaves.

Desert a woman she hisses and cries then squares her shoulders and does what she always does, finds shelter, hunts down food, takes care of her offspring, learns to stay out of sight, views all men with distrust, finds someone to pet her when she wants, and basically survives until she finds someone she might or might not stay with…depending on how well they treat her.

So you see men and women aren’t from other planets, they are just complete different species. Dogs and cats. Do you still doubt? Think of it. Dogs love toys, bones and balls. Men love toys, bones and balls. Dogs run and hunt in packs, strut and try to prove they are the alpha male, mark their territory, pee and defecate in the open, get dirty, hang out with anyone who feeds them and takes care of them, and generally live for food, playing, and occasional sex. Cats love sunshine, secure places to sleep, clean dishes, clean bodies, independence, pee and defecate in private while delicately hiding what they did,a good nap after a little bit of play, hunt alone and can survive completely free of any attention.

Despite their differences we always think dogs and cats go together. They do manage to live in the same house and even be friends with only the occasional battle. And dogs still chase cats no matter how many times they’ve been scratched while cats tease and saunter by the dogs…inviting the eternal chase… until they’ve been mangled one time too many.

The men will bark at this while I…meowww.

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