Oh, you know, he was a little goofy looking back then. He had gangly legs and arms and his face was a little too narrow for his oversized head. I certainly wasn’t attracted to him, but he was a great friend to have in those days. Middle and high school could have been very difficult without him around. Fortunately, I was well liked so it wasn’t a problem, but if by chance I suddenly became ugly or disliked, I knew Sammie would have stuck around. Did you know that we promised one another that if we weren’t married by twenty-eight, we’d marry each other? That is, of course, on the condition that his appearance improved. We got the idea from “My Best Friend’s Wedding.” You know, I never suspected he had an interest in boys because he never expressed one. In fact, he’d often talk about pretty girls in our class who he wanted me to introduce him to, which I didn’t do because I wanted to keep him all to myself. Of course, I also wanted to spare my female friends the pressure of feeling like they needed to date him in order to stay on my good side. That wouldn’t have been nice to them, seeing as he was so gangly.
Anyway, I thought he was straight. I even felt uncomfortable when we went swimming together in fear that his hormones would get the best of him and he’d start longing after me in the same way all the others boys did. I couldn’t have him being like that seeing as he was my fashion consultant. Of course, that must not make sense to you. Let me explain. If he started having “feelings” for me, he would have certainly started telling me white lies in hopes that I’d sleep with him. I needed an honest friend’s opinion so I wouldn’t make the mistake of dressing in silly clothes. So, naturally, when we went swimming I dressed as conservatively as possible. I’m going off on a tangent, though, aren’t I? Sorry about that. Well, anyway, we had a falling out after high school. He started hanging around a dirty looking crowd in his freshman year, and I told him they made us look bad. I mean, one of them had long hair that looked like it hadn’t been washed in a month!
Sammie, who was always very sensitive, ended up calling me a stuck up #### and told me that his actions didn’t reflect on me, which of course wasn’t true. I chose him as a friend, and if he was hanging around dirty looking people, then he would be suspected of being dirty and I, in hanging out with him, would be suspected as well. I was terrified of losing the admiration of my friends, so I decided that if he wouldn’t leave his new friends, then I’d leave him. End of story.
It wasn’t the end, though. I just added that part for dramatic effect. In truth, several months ago he ended up shooting me an e-mail out of the blue and asking if I’d like to hang out with him and catch up. I asked him if he had started hanging out with more reputable people and he said yes. Can you believe it? I had so much to tell him since we had last seen each other. I had joined a sorority in college and our association with the fraternity boys brought forth a lot of great stories! I guess I don’t need to tell you about them, though, since those stories aren’t relevant to this one. Anyway, we planned to meet at a local coffee shop around the corner and I was unbelievably excited. When I walked in the door of the coffee shop to see my high school besty, though, I couldn’t find him. I briefly considered if he lied about finding more reputable friends and wondered if he was the long-haired hippie sitting in the corner of the coffee shop reading a book. Just as I was about to approach the hippie, I heard someone say my name. I turned around and saw an incredibly sexy man standing beside me. “It’s me, Brittany. It’s Sammie.” “Oh my God! Sammie? You look amazing!” I said. “Oh, and look at your arms!” I grabbed his arms, admiring the muscle tone underneath. He laughed a really sexy laugh and said, “Oh, I’ve been working out a little.” Oh doctor, I know you have a wife, but I swear you’d drop her in an instant if you ran into this guy! I was so enamored with his appearance that I almost didn’t hear him mention his boyfriend in our conversation. Yet, he repeated that he had a boyfriend so many times that it finally registered. It was a pretty disheartening thing to learn, you understand, because I was set on making him my next beau. In fact, I still am. I just need your help.
So this is what I want to happen, doctor. Sammie and I are spending a lot of time together now and I’ve tried thousands of ways to get his attention, but he simply won’t show a romantic interest in me. I’ve never had this problem with any guy before and I’m really upset about it. I’m sorry about the tears, but it’s just really hard for me. At least ugly girls are used to it! I mean, I’ve tried everything! I ended up dressing up as a man for Halloween, but even under the influence of alcohol, he refused to kiss me! So I’ve come to my last resort and I think this one will work. It’s pretty drastic and it goes against my personal beliefs, but it’s the only way. I have to have him. He’s my soul mate, you understand? Two gorgeous people belong together! Anyway, I looked in the mirror a couple of months ago on a particularly bad skin day, and I could kind of see in myself the kind of person Sammie would want in a partner. All I need is a little help from you, doctor. I need you to make me a man.