Barack Obama of Mars

COMMENTARY | Wired, of all places, has a story relating one of the strangest and most entertaining conspiracy theories of all time. It seems that 19 year old Barack Obama was part of a top secret CIA project to teleport people to the planet Mars.

One is at a lost to decide whether this is someone’s idea of a joke or whether the people advancing the story are in earnest. Whatever the case, it would be a fun exercise to pick apart the story.

Assuming that the CIA had teleporters in the early 1980s and were testing them out, how would such a program work?

First, Barack Obama, then a student at Occidental College in Los Angeles, would be the last test subject one would choose to test a teleporter. One would likely recruit among the military, much as astronaut pilots are. Some members of the team, once the principle of teleporting people and equipment to Mars was established, would be scientists.

Of course if the CIA, with the help of DARPA, had teleporters capable to sending people across interplanetary distances, there would be bases not only on Mars, but the Moon and other celestial bodies. The question arises, then, why are we messing with all of these rockets and shuttles and such?

While using a teleporter for interplanetary exploration would certainly cool, once suspects that the CIA would be interested in more terrestrial applications. What a wonderful way to win the Cold War in one blow by teleporting bombs into key Soviet targets, including missile silos and submarines, to take out their nuclear arsenal in one blow. A teleporter would also be a great way to insert spies into places where they would ordinarily be unable to penetrate. The file room of the Kremlin comes to mind.

Indeed, why did the SEAL team have to ride helicopters into Pakistan to take out Osama bin Laden. If the CIA has teleporter technology and Obama was a participant in the program, why not just beam into Bin Laden’s compound, do the work, and then beam out? No one would be the wiser and there would be no diplomatic mess with the Pakistanis pretending to be affronted by being caught with Enemy Number One in its territory.

Like most conspiracy theories, therefore, Barack Obama of Mars does not pass close examination. That’s a pity, in a way. Obama as astronaut is more fun to think about than Obama as secret Muslin or Obama as secret citizen of Kenya.

Source: White House Denies CIA Teleported Obama to Mars, Spencer Ackerman, Wired, Jan 3, 2012

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