Benefits of a Dummy as the Ideal Companion for the Modern Woman

Many of us have heard that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Whether that’s an urban myth or not, a dummy companion can potentially decrease the odds of an unhappy breakup by 1) providing a sampling of marriage before you take the plunge, or 2) simply replace the walk down the aisle all together once you discover the many benefits of dummy ownership.

So far starters; owning a dummy is good practice for marriage. You can talk to it all you want and it won’t answer. A dummy won’t help you clean the house, but he shouldn’t mess it up, either. When you want go out for a night on the town, he won’t budge. Actually, the only way to remove his lazy ass from the sofa is to remove it yourself. Still, a dummy propped in the window of your home or as a passenger in the front seat of your car can serve as a deterrent to crime.

Another benefit of a dummy companion is you can drink a couple glasses of wine in the evening after a long day and still be considered a social drinker and not an alchy imbibing alone. You can even drink the glass you’ve poured for your dummy so it doesn’t go to waste.

There’s more. A dummy doesn’t ask where you’ve been. You don’t need to feel guilty about not being “in the mood.” You never need to ask what he’s thinking because he’s not thinking anything with sawdust for brains. You’ll suffer no beard shavings in the sink or splatters in the mirror above the sink. The toilet paper will not seem as if it’s disappearing, though you will still be the only person who ever puts on a new roll. The Almond Joy you hid in the refrigerator will still be there when you want it.

As for sleeping habits, a dummy won’t fart in bed or wake you when he rolls over, obviously, because he can’t do either one. Throw away those earplugs and BreathRight strips because dummies don’t snore. Further, he won’t wake you up in the wee hours of the morning whining about a tummy ache because he shouldn’t have eaten the spicy chorizo plate at dinner.

You don’t need to dress like a hooker to get a dummy’s attention, nor spend hours at the gym to maintain a centerfold body. You could say that a dummy will love you just the way you are. A dummy doesn’t leave his dirty laundry strewn all over the place. Better yet, you don’t need to wash his laundry. All the money you save on him can be spent on Botox injections for you. A dummy is even better than a pet in that he doesn’t shed, poop, or need to be fed. He doesn’t bark, or require vaccinations, or a security deposit, either.

With a dummy husband, your self esteem will always be intact. You can “let it all hang out” around him and share your innermost fears and fantasies without judgment. A dummy won’t leave the toilet seat up, insult your friends, chew with his mouth open, or pull off his socks and pick his toenails on the sofa while you’re watching TV.

Lastly, you never need to worry about a dummy cheating on you. On the contrary, you can have an affair any time you want with a “real man” and not feel guilty about it or be accused of infidelity. It’s implied in the relationship, since; after all, a dummy can’t be expected to meet all of a woman’s needs.

Mary Ann may be contacted through her website or email [email protected]

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