Living with P.T.S.D: A Terrifying Concert Memory

I just had a flash of going to a concert with a certain man, a fantasy. It could happen I guess. It probably won’t.

I went to a concert with my sister in law shortly after I separated from my owner. It was an outdoor concert featuring the “Guess Who.”

The morning of the concert was strange. I got up and let the dog out. I went to the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom I found my ex, standing in my kitchen. Startled doesn’t even begin to describe my fear.

I reacted as expected. I pretended to be glad to see him. I listened to him for hours. He did not want to leave. He pretended to have a heart attack. He apologized and cried. He fell down the stairs as he was leaving and I had to let him come back in and lay on the couch for a couple more hours.

I did whatever I had to do to keep him from exploding, while trying to remain firm that he could not come back. I smiled and laughed and pretended that we would work this out in time. He said he had cancer.

He was living in a motel at the time. He said that every time he flushed his toilet, his neighbors flushed their toilets one by one, all the way down the hall. He said he understood why I had our kids knocking on his door and window then running away.

He said every time he turned a light switch on or off, all the neighbors down the hall did the same. He said he understood why I broke into his truck and stole his c.d.s. He said that his carpet smelled like the color blue and he was thinking about ripping it up to find out why.

He said that he knew I still loved him because I was doing all these things to him to make him realize that he needed help.

I told him I had plans and he needed to leave. He demanded to know where I was going. He begged to come with me. I remained cheerful but absolutely refused.

He showed up at the concert in a wild panic. He followed us around. He begged me to talk to him.He said he loved me. After a while I started asking him to please leave me alone. Later it became go away. Soon enough it got to the point of me in his face screaming at him to leave me alone.

I pushed him as hard as I could. He went down. As he got back up I just stood there frozen in fear. I noticed the crowd had formed a circle around us. I thought they were going to watch the fight, watch me die.

A woman looked me right in the eye and stepped between us. A large man followed. The music kept playing, this whole thing hidden from most of the crowd. People kept stepping in front on him until he had been pushed to the back, and the crowd quickly sealed him off. My sister in law and I were pushed to the front and every time I looked around I could see the big men watching for him. I didn’t see him again until he showed up at my house first thing next morning.

Every time I meet a new man I try to picture him standing behind me at an outdoor concert with his arms wrapped protectively around me. If I can’t picture this I lose interest.

He told me he had broken the shower curtain in his motel room, trying to hang himself. I didn’t believe this but I pretended that I did. I talked him into letting me take him to the hospital. I told him that I thought his medications were messing him up. I called his counselor to tell him what was going on. He wanted to call the police but I was terrified of the explosion.

I was given fifteen minutes to show up at the hospital or the police would be called. When we arrived he was immediately locked up. A few hours later my family doctor called me wanting to know why I had that poor guy locked up. She had found nothing wrong with him.

I told her to ask him about some of the things he had been telling me. She went to talk to him again. When she got back to me she was clearly shaken. She said she would be sending him immediately to a mental institution. She said if he didn’t go voluntarily, she would get a court order. We were finally safe for a while.

Taking his doctors advice, I divorced him while he was locked up for every ones safety.

I still haven’t met the man I want to go to a concert with.

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