Disagreements occur in every relationship, but they do not have to lead to loud, emotional arguments. The purpose of an argument should be to work through a problem so the relationship can continue to grow. To keep arguments productive and to avoid potentially damaging conflicts, keep these tips in mind.
1. Open communication is a priority – When anger, frustration, or sadness stay bottled up, they have a tendency to build until the person explodes with emotion. If your partner is doing something that aggravates or hurts you, he or she needs to know. The key to open communication, though, is to voice your opinion without trying to hurt the other person. The problem needs to be calmly discussed, not said as an accusation
2. Don’t try to win – In a healthy relationship, disagreements and arguments cannot be viewed as competitions, and neither person can enter an argument with the intention of winning. When someone tries to win an argument, one or both people walk away hurt. Instead, share your point of view, and try to understand your partner’s opinion as well. Sometimes you will understand each other, and other times you will have to agree to disagree.
3. Avoid name-calling – Remember the purpose of an argument: to work through a problem. Name-calling will not accomplish anything except to hurt the other person.
4. Avoid exaggeration – “Always” and “never” seem to be common words in arguments, but they are rarely truthful. They do, however, put the other person on the defensive so that they will argue more out of anger and pain. Rather than screaming “You always do this wrong,” try opening a calm discussion with “it irritates me when you do this.” Talk with the intention of finding a solution to the problem instead of to point out faults.
5. Let history remain history – An argument about a current problem is not the time to bring up past wrongdoings. Stay on the current topic to find a resolution. If the hurt from the past problem was never resolved, revisit it once the argument is settled. Otherwise, it becomes easy to turn the disagreement into nothing but accusations of everything your partner did wrong over the past years.
6. Keep your emotions in check – One or both of you are likely frustrated, stressed, or hurt, and that is probably what started the argument in the first place. However, these emotions cannot become the mainstay of the argument. Disagreements are to be talked out so each person can hear and try to understand the other’s viewpoint. When emotions override logic, arguments get out of hand and hurtful words are said. If you need to, take some time apart to calm down before discussing the problem.
7. Consider outside help – Sometimes the best thing you can do is to get help from someone outside of the relationship, such as a marriage counselor or adviser. If you do not want to seek out a stranger, try talking together with your pastor or an older couple who has been married for many years. For outside help to be effective, it needs to be someone who can give an unbiased opinion; in other words, it can’t be someone really close to one of you such as a best friend or sibling.
8. Remember why you love your partner – Love has to be nurtured in order to remain strong, and sometimes arguments are the result of a lack of nurture. In a loving relationship, partners do not want to hurt each other so arguments are less likely to get out of hand. If your love is rocky, nurture it with date nights or time set aside specifically for each other. The Love Dare is a great book for rekindling love in a marriage.
You do not always have to agree with each other, but respect for each other’s opinions is essential. If you and your partner both believe the purpose of an argument is to get through a problem, the after effects should be less damaging.