I get hundreds of emails a year from people whose hearts are broken, mending, ready to love again and be loved.
My first question is, do you have kids together?
If the answer is yes, you might want to consider this before making any rash decisions. When children are involved, the dynamic shifts because you need to start thinking about custody and ensuring that the child/children grow up in a safe, healthy environment.
If the answer is a resounding NO, then, the answer is up to you.
Ponder on this. Your choices are:
a. TAKING HIM BACK – which we will discuss in detail here
or
b. DUMP HIM – I mean, say goodbye and part ways
Yes, your sense of humor will keep you sane, so hang on to it.
If you choose A (i.e., Take him BACK), let’s look at the possibilities.
Warning: This may be difficult on you, so you need to be mentally and emotionally prepared for this. Are we clear?
The TALK
– you will need to sit down with him and discuss: the relationship, you, and him.
– if you notice I emphasized 3 aspects: you, him and the relationship are separate entities
– you’d want to discuss the following (this will be about listening to him, allowing him to open up)
– what it is he is looking for
– what he feels is missing
– what he thought he was looking for when you first met
– what his expectations are
LISTEN, HEAR HIM OUT
– listen, try not to filter
– why he feels you are not living up to HIS expectations (remember, this is HIS time – do not defend yourself)
– keep in mind, sometimes the cruelest lies are often told in silence
– listen, try to keep an open mind
– he may not know, or he may even be unsure
– listen, try to stay positive
– don’t get upset, he may be truly confused, cut him some slack
– he must be feeling unfulfilled, and by that, it could be mentally, physically, or emotionally.
– talk to him, let him talk to you
– make him feel safe
– let him know you are not here to make any judgments (and you will need to make a huge effort not to)
– listen, listen, listen
– make a concerted effort to hear what it is he is afraid of, i.e., sometimes FEAR drives people to make terrible choices.
– the purpose of this sit down talk is to just hear his side, not for you to lose your temper and scream at him – this will not bring you closer, it will drive him away (IF your goal is to take him back)
MY SPACE, YOUR SPACE
– tell him you will think about it and you’ll get back to him when you have slept on it…alone.
– did you see that? yes, you read that right.
– Alone
– you don’t want sex to get in the way of your final decision
– if you noticed, you haven’t made any decision at this point because you don’t want to make any decisions based on heated, chaotic, questionable emotions
– kiss him goodbye and tell him you will call him
– ask him not to text you, email you, or call you for the next few days while you are thinking about it
– you are not playing games with him (and trust me, you don’t need to) but this will help you think clearly
SLEEP ON IT
– go home, sleep on it, cry if you want to
– listen to love songs and cry as much as you can
– Still want to keep him in your life?
– are you willing to make adjustments as far as what each of your unfulfilled emotional, mental, or phsyical needs are?
TAKE A BREAK, CELEBRATE YOU
– go to the gym, pilates, yoga, meet a few girlfriends for happy hour. Extend your celebration til the servers tell you it’s reverse happy hour (9-1am)
– If you decide to tell your girlfriends that he cheated on you, they might tell you to dump him now, so keep a level-head on your shoulders, listen to their stories – they mean well, I’m sure
– keep in mind, now is not yet the time to make any decisions
– give yourself as much time as you need
– it will also give him the space and the time to think about you, him and the relationship
– treat yourself to things you never had time to do
– pamper yourself, go to a spa, get a manicure
– go to the mall and pick a cute outfit, a hot top and a new pair of jeans or an irresistibly cute skirt
– spoil yourself with a new set of bra and panties in colors you’ve never, ever had at Victoria’s Secret
– Still want to keep him in your life?
– Is he willing to make amends and be totally transparent with you?
– is he willing to open up his life to you and are you willing to do the same for him?
– are both of you willing to start over and be more conscious of each other’s needs?
DAYS OF INTROSPECTIVE THINKING
– OK, so a few days have passed
– You’ve had time to think this through
REFLECTIONS
– Still want to keep him in your life?
– are you both committed to keeping the lines of communication open and to let each other know when the other is unhappy, stressed out, etc.?
– are you willing to set aside a date night at least once a week even if it means Netflix and popcorn?
SO YOU’VE DECIDED TO TAKE HIM BACK?
– If, after you have addressed the above, you still decide you want to keep him in your life…
– remember a few things:
– you will not bring it up with him again
– you will not hold it against him when you fight
– you will have to relearn to trust him, it will take time, but keep in mind, this was YOUR choice so be accountable for your decision
– you will have to forgive him with all your heart
– you will also have to forgive yourself and not
– and you will forge a new life together with a clean slate
OR NOT?
On the other hand, if you decide to choose B,
– remember to continue to forgive yourself, forgive him and let him go in peace
– drama was not included in YOUR package
and
– ask me about my new MOVING ON Dating Program. We can chat privately and I can help you REINVENT yourself, RELEASE your NEW Inner Diva, have a great time dating new, attractive men and move on. 