The bachelor and bachelorette party; a rite of passage. Everyone does it, right? Like smoking in the 60s, bell bottoms in the 70s, mullets in the 80s, and jeans that hung down to your knees in the 90s… if everyone is doing it then it must be the right thing to do.
To celebrate the start of a marriage and life-long commitment by arranging a bachelor/bachelorette party is like going on a drinking binge before going into the 2nd trimester of a pregnancy because hey… This is the last time you’ll be able to drink for awhile. Makes perfect sense to me.
Here is a story from a man who wrote into a message board asking for advice after his fiancé attended a bachelorette party:
My fiancé had a bachelorette party weekend with a bunch of girlfriends. They went to Florida to hang out on the beach. We have always talked about how we both hate the traditional expectations of these things – strippers, being decorated with plastic penises, dares, etc. I never told her what she should/shouldn’t or could/couldn’t do this weekend, but we both have always agreed that any kind of intimate contact with the opposite sex is cheating.
Anyway, I found out that her weekend was full of the kinds of games and dares we always said we didn’t like. No big deal. But one of the dares was to make out with a guy. She did. They kissed, her sitting on his lap, for about 10 minutes.
I found out because she started telling me how they did have some of the “ritual stuff” but she didn’t do anything like kiss someone. I was surprised they did all of the games and stuff because she had told her best friend/maid of honor she didn’t want that, but I wasn’t upset. She’s not a good liar though, and I could tell she wasn’t telling me everything. I must stress that she is usually very honest with me. More than anyone I’ve ever known.
Anyway, talking to a friend of hers, the truth inadvertently slipped. I confronted my fiancé who said it did happen and had just been too afraid and ashamed to tell me.
I am hurt, angry and I feel betrayed. I have been cheated on in the past and she knows how important issues of trust are. We are supposed to get married in one month and I am not sure what to do. Part of me wants to call to off. I’d like to say “it was a mistake” and let it go with the understanding this kind of mistake can’t happen again. But I feel like my trust has been shattered. Any thoughts on this?
(http://ehealthforum.com/health/topic52303.html)
Raise your hand if you’d like to be in this guy’s situation. Anyone? Doesn’t that sound like a lovely conundrum to be in? Of course in actuality this is an easy decision, you call off the wedding faster than she can say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen”. But that is easier said than done when “she’s never given you any reason to doubt her”….sound familiar?
Notice that he said, “She is usually very honest with me. More than anyone I’ve ever known”. They even both agreed as to what is appropriate and what isn’t. All good intentions? Most definitely. But “good intentions” are only as worthy as your behaviors that support those good intentions. Otherwise you’re exactly the same as those “immoral” people that you so quickly point fingers at and judge.
It would be easy to just chalk this up as her not being ready to be married or that she is just a slut with no morals. And she may be all those things. But I don’t think so. I think more than likely she just got caught up in a haze of alcohol, bad girlfriends, and men giving her attention. She put herself in a position that is designed to attract and lure men so the result should be no surprise to anyone.
Bachelorette Parties
As a guy who has picked up a lot of women at clubs, bars, and lounges, I can tell you unequivocally that the first group of girls I will always hit first are bachelorette parties. The easiest and fastest pickups I’ve had in my life are from bachelorette parties, whether they were single, in a relationship or married made no difference. The reason being that women by nature are social creatures and are more prone to group dynamics.
In other words, even if a woman has the best of intentions, if the group is participating in behaviors involving other men, she will still go along with it at least to some degree. I’ve seen firsthand how women simply “go with the flow” in situations like a bachelorette party.
And yes… they always tell me, “I never do this.”
Bachelor Parties
Here is the ugly truth about bachelor parties: Every guy in there is looking to engage in sexual activity. Yes, ladies…even your guy who “isn’t like that”. If you’re about to get married and you’re alright with your fiancé going to a bachelor party then you’re naïve and foolish. The only reason a man will come back from a bachelor party without cheating on you is because he couldn’t or didn’t know how to make it happen, but rest assured the desire and intention was there.
When a man walks into a venue full of beautiful, half naked women designed to attract him physically and mentally, he checks his commitment, morals, and love for you at the door. This is 100% true across the board, regardless of whatever reasons you might want to give about how your man “isn’t that shallow”.
Here is why men attend bachelor parties, depending on their relationship status:
The Groom: His intention is to have sex and will be looking for an opportunity to present itself.
Married or in a Long Term Relationship: His intention is to have sex and will be looking for an opportunity to present itself.
Single: His intention is to have sex and will be looking for an opportunity to present itself.
When a man gets into the car driving towards the venue, his intentions are already set and he is now only looking for opportunities that may be presented once he arrives. When a woman arrives at the venue, opportunities will inevitably be presented that may change her previously good intentions that she had in the car.
In either case you end up with the same destructive results for your relationship.
Last Night of Freedom
Besides the obvious pitfalls of the actual night of the parties, the attitude of this “tradition” is a horrible mentality to take prior to getting married. What you’re saying is, “Once I’m married I can’t have fun anymore. Once I’m officially committed then my life is going to be boring and mundane.”
If that is how people view marriage it’s no wonder that within the first 5 years both spouses gain weight, stop being considerate, no longer “date” each other, and become complacent. You’ve already put yourself in the mindset that marriage is a prison and that your single life was so much better.
Marriage should be a celebration of love, joy, and hope. The night before your wedding should not be “your last night of freedom”, it should be the evening before your life truly begins.
Camaraderie
The most common reason (excuse) for having a bachelor/bachelorette party is that this is a time to celebrate with your friends. I wholeheartedly agree with that; I think that there should be a celebration because this is a momentous event in your life.
But let’s be honest here, there are many different ways you can celebrate with your friends without doing the traditional bachelor/bachelorette activities. In fact, almost any other way you choose to celebrate would not put your relationship in jeopardy like the way a traditional party would.
Instead of choosing one of the other ways to celebrate, many people decide to involve activities such as clubs, strippers, heavy drinking and dressing provocatively that is meant to put them in a position to hook up with the opposite sex.
There should absolutely be a celebration because this is such a happy moment in a couple’s life. But to arrange a party that is designed to tear apart the very relationship it is celebrating is completely
foolish and asinine.
In no other area of our life do we adopt this backwards attitude. The night before the 1st day at an important, career-making job you get enough rest and make sure you’re sharp. You don’t go out and booze it up and get 3 hours of sleep.
The night before a child moves from the 2nd grade to the 3rd grade, his parents may walk him through some 3rd grade level work so he is best prepared. They don’t give him Kindergarten work because “he will never get to do that type of work again”.
In all aspects of our life, before an important milestone we always try to go into it with the best possible preparation. We never prepare by regressing. Yet when it comes to marriage, the single most important decision of our life, we have a tradition that encourages….almost forces us….to regress to behaviors that presents the highest chance of destroying that union before it even begins.
How you begin something often times determine how successful you will be at it. If you’re making a life long commitment then honor each other and your relationship. Follow your integrity and respect for each other instead of blindly following the masses to participate in a corrupt tradition designed to tear apart your bond.