Is There Anyone Out There?

I need help.
It has been a long time since I got a good night’s sleep. I wake up in a cold sweat four or five times a night. How do people get inside your head like this? The stress is unbearable, and I feel like I am going to break. I guess that is his plan though. I guess he is trying to drive me crazy first, so no one will believe me and eventually they will just stop listening. When no one listens anymore, I will be the easiest target imaginable. I will not have anyone to protect me anymore. I will be at his mercy.

I know it already sounds crazy, and when I am done, you will think I am bonkers. You are probably already sure that I am just a little bit paranoid. I assure you that paranoia is not an issue for me. This is perfectly rational fear of someone that really is out to get me. The scary part is how he seems to be everywhere. I do not mean that I see him skulking in the shadows in alleys, or hiding out in the bushes. I mean he is everywhere I go. When I go buy groceries, he is in the lot, sitting in his car. He will just sit there and watch me walk in, with that evil look on his face.

I cannot go anywhere without knowing he is there watching me. He knows every place I go, everyone I know, and he is relentless. He seems to know when I will be going anywhere, because he is always there just before I am. I am starting to think that he is listening to my calls, and has my house bugged. That is merely the tip of the iceberg though. I know that he is watching me, because he sends me pictures. I am not just talking about random pictures of me when I am out somewhere that is public and anyone might see me, but very private pictures of me in very private places.

So, why is this man terrorizing me? Because I was young and dumb once. I fell in love with a psychopath. It seems that I will pay for this terrible mistake for the rest of my life. I am not sure how long that is going to be. Every day it is something new, and something worse than the day before. First the e-mails, then physical letters, packages intended to be presents, photographs, break-ins, physical attacks. It does not take a literal genius to know what is coming; I wait for death every day. I am sure that right now, he is outside my window, waiting for me to go to sleep so that he can torment me some more. I do not know what to do, so I am writing this blog in hopes that someone out there can help me, before it is too late.

Go to the police.
I have received that comment more than six times on my previous blog. I know, it really should be that simple, but it is not. Anyone that has not been in this situation before cannot understand how things like this work, but will continue to give flawed advice. The truth is, I have been to the police, many times. Stalking is very hard to prove. The e-mails were all sent to friends and family members, and not directly to me, so it is not harassment. Because all of the letters are postmarked from different places, they could have been sent by anyone, even though they have handwriting samples on file from his prison records. The calls and text messages are all from different disposable cell numbers, so those are not traceable and could be from anyone. Because he never actually approaches me in public, and unless he bothers to follow me inside my destination, no one else sees him. If he does follow me in, it is a public place and probably a coincidence. Do you see my problem now?

Since my last blog, two days ago, I have gotten two letters, thirty seven phone calls, eighty six text messages, my house broken into once, and my car windows smashed in twice. The cops had a good excuse for every incident. A drug addict broke into my house, and hooligan kids smashed in my car windows, the calls and text messages may have been a wrong number (from nine different phones?), and of course anyone could have sent the letters, even if he names himself in all of them. Somehow, the more evidence I have, the less I have. I got a new alarm system for my house and have started taking a taxi everywhere. I sold my car. I am trying to talk a friend into staying with me…

Have you tried recording everything?
I do appreciate that my kind readers have helpful ideas. Yes, I record everything. I have saved every forwarded e-mail, every letter, every text message, every phone call and voice-mail. The handwriting in every letter is the same, the voice in all the calls and voice mail message is the same, they all basically repeat each other. This is still not evidence to the police. The packages he sent were full of his DNA. All of that is nothing. I could have shown them blank pages, empty envelopes, played for them blank tapes.

Over the last few days I have been receiving a new unpleasantness in my mail box. Photos. I get at least three with my mail. These are pictures of me at the store, at the bank, and going into my house. This is royally unnerving. There are also pictures of friends and family coming to visit, and visiting businesses themselves. There are pictures of their homes. He also broke into my house and left a pretty disturbing picture on my bed. The same thing has happened to three of my family members and two of my friends in the last three days. My friend said he can be here in a week and stay as long as I need. Hopefully it is soon enough.

Police Reports
What a gigantic waste of my time. I filed another police report. I think that is the 35th. Do you think it will make a difference? He hit me with his car. My leg is broken. He violated the restraining order (yes, I have had one for some time now) and the jerk that took my report seemed like he was blaming me. Were you crossing the street? (I was about to) Were you even in the crosswalk? (No, I was on the SIDEWALK) Did you say something to him? (No, I was not looking at him. I did not even know he was there. I was looking at the street sign waiting for it to change) Were you not watching for traffic? (I was ON THE SIDEWALK!) Yeah. I have a shiny new cast, more useless paper from the report, and a major migraine.

On a positive note, my friend says he will be here tomorrow…

Just So Tired
This has been so exhausting. There is really no other way to describe it. It is straining, emotionally and physically, to a point beyond anything else I have ever dealt with. I just really want it to stop. I want him to leave me alone. I want rest. I want to be able to sleep for more than 15 minutes without waking up sweating, afraid that he is in my house, just hiding, waiting to attack. My friend Jeremy got here this morning. Shortly after his arrival, his tires were slashed. About an hour after that, there was a letter full of threats taped to my door. Two hours after that, a rock was thrown through my window.

We are no longer staying at my house. We are staying in a rather costly hotel. That was the only way we could have internet access and constant video monitoring of the outside of our room. We are also on a higher floor so that it is not easy to get to it from the outside. I have urged family members that have been threatened to do the same. Most of them listened after I received notification that my house was destroyed in a fire.

Hi, this is Jeremy. I am Jessica’s friend. I have known her since we were very small children. She has always been one of the best people I know. I am deeply saddened to have to tell you that Jessica will not be posting any more blogs for you, but thank you all for your support. You all meant so much to her, just that you would listen when she felt like no one else would. This is the greatest tragedy that I have had to endure, and having lost her will forever leave an empty place in my soul.

Last night, around 7:30, I went down to the lobby to retrieve a package that had been delivered from the market. Jessica was completely in fear of being exposed to public places anymore, so she did all of her shopping online. This was her medications, among other things. Security says that just around the time I entered the lobby, her ex-boyfriend broke down the door to the room she was in. With a cast on her leg, and no one to help her, she was completely defenseless.

When he broke in the door, an alarm was triggered that called the police and set the building into lock down. All that means is that all employees must remain where they are, and the elevators will only work for emergency personnel. Before the police arrived, he threw her out the window. We were 18 floors up. He shot at me, but only hit me in the arm. I thought I might be able to make it up the stairs in time. They believe her now. The officer that responded to her homicide was the same officer that responded to half of her reports. They found him three blocks away trying to steal a car. He killed two officers, and got away.

I do not know what else to say, and I am really having a hard time with all of this. I know he is still out there, he will come back to finish me off, or he will go on to the next innocent woman. All I can say is be careful. You never know who you are letting in.

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