Remote Madness: Learning to Use a Remote Has Been an Adventure

I do not know if most of you have a certain technical shrewdness. You may be a gifted computer geek, or just plain smart, but I have a slight problem with some technical devices. OK, it is remotes. I said it, now I can go crawl back under a rock somewhere as, evidently, I have been living under one for many few years.

As many times as I am shown how to work the remote, I still forget which button turns on the DVD player, and a few other important things that it does like recording. There is the big black one, mother of all remotes. I use it to turn on and off the TV. I have that down but if something goes astray such as the dog sitting on the remote, causing the screen to go black or grey, I am in big trouble!

My wonderful husband attempts to help me, “Here honey, use the white remote to do this, then you take the black one and scroll up, lastly this one over here… push this!”

Wide eyed and definitely tuned out, I nod my head yes….

“Do you got it?” He asks… “Great!”

Sitting there holding all three remotes, I think to myself, maybe I did not really want to watch TV after all

There are times when I may get to hold the remote. It is a rare occurrence but when it happens, something takes over my soul. It feels foreign in my hand. I know I have something that is not mine. My husband watches me as if I have stolen his last bowl of ice cream. Deep down, I feel power over him, I know I am holding the remote…I look over and smile devilishly…as I push the buttons. I watch him out of the corner of my eye as he watches me play with his remote. It is such a great feeling at that moment. I can sense that I have moved into his territory. My husband’s demeanor begins to change. I would not call it pouty but more of a protective mode kicks in. I can see this irritation come over his face as he attempts to explain the menu button for the hundredth time. Talk to the hand I think to myself, I do not want to hear how to use the menu button…I got this!

I slowly push the arrow button up and down verses using the menu button, which requires two steps versus one. I feel safe using the arrow button. The menu only confuses my brain. There are many steps in using the menu button. I have to find the time for when the show is on, look at the clock to see if it is time… finding out it is not time or the show is half playing and then getting side tracked, forgetting what I was looking for in the first place. I tell you the arrow key is the one for me! One channel at a time is comforting. My husband has finished his five-course meal, eating desert, and I am still scrolling.

Then there is my trigger finger, which turns on the box but not the TV, or I get the TV on without the box. Only I have the special knack I can assure you. I stand there trying to get them to come on at the same time or try to turn them off at the same time but sometimes they appear to have a mind of their own. I do believe there are little creatures living inside the remote playing with me.

“Let’s get granny’s dander up, you turn it off, and then I will turn it on…HAHAHAHAHA.”

It is the strangest thing. I can work my computer pretty well, my high tech phone no problem, but the remote and me, well we just don’t have that kind of connection. First, we do not have a good relationship, as we never bonded. The remote stays glued to my husband’s hand, never having the chance to get to know the remote. Maybe if I spent more time with it, things would change. Right now, I just look at those technical devices as the enemy. There are times when we are alone that I swear it hides from my hands, as I cannot find the darn thing. A conspiracy I tell you!

I know you will comment and offer all kinds of advice, telling me about remotes that are more user friendly but please I am not here for an intervention. I am just not ready.

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