Michele Bachmann Thinks Hurricane Irene is a Warning from God

Michele Bachmann held a Presidential campaing rally in Sarasota, Florida on Sunday afternoon. Florida is a fine choice for the Bachmann campaign. It’s a little less work to win over the voters since Katherine Harris already laid the groundwork for crazy white women who wear too much lead-based make-up.

Anyway, this being the end of a crazy week for the East Coast, Bachmann had to comment on the eathquake and hurricane, and by “comment,” I mean “spew forth the hooey.” Here’s what she said:

“I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we’ve got to rein in the spending.”

Which bit of crazy do we address first? Shall we begin with God punishing America because the federal budget is too large? I knew you’d want to start there. That’s why I love you so.

God cares about the budget. Yes He does. Read the bible: “And the Lord did sayeth, ‘Lower thine taxes on those of weatlh, for the shekels shall trickle down upon the rest.’” And let’s not forget, “And Moses did impart upon the tribes of Israel to cut social programs in favor of defense spending.” Also, we must remember the part of Revelations in which brimstone falls from the sky as a consequence of universal health care.

Canada and the United Kingdom spend a lot more than the United States on health care and social programs. Where are the locusts? Why has a plague not engulfed Ottawa? Why has Westminster not plummeted into a massive sinkhole that leads unto Hell?

One of the great constitutional problems that America has always faced is the budget process – the President submits a budget and Congress messes about with it. Unfortunately, the Founding Fathers forgot to give Jesus a line-item veto. Hence, hurricanes and earthquakes.

Now, let’s move on to the other bit: “He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now.”

So, God reads opinion polls? The Holy Ghost runs focus groups? “And Moses came and told the people ‘These are the laws of the Lord. There were originally 11 of them, but the one about women’s rights didn’t test well with males 18-34.’”

The Bible makes it abundantly clear that God doesn’t give a locust’s behind about your opinions. He tells you what to do. No questions, no arguments. There is no “Letters to the Editor” section in the Old Testament.

Maybe you’re right, Michele Bachmann. Maybe God sent forth a shaken Earth and a turbulent sky to encourage us sinners to slash Medicare funding and balance the budget.

Or maybe His message was “This was merely a taste. Elect that Minnesotan moron and I’ll take the whole freakin’ country down.”

So sayeth the Lord.

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