Really?

Is this really necessary? Why do we do these things?

Every Thursday, 10:00 o’clock on the dot, same place…it is absolutely imperative we meet and discuss past performance and future endeavors. Really?

What are we going to talk about that is any different than anything we talked about last week? We might as well record what everyone says and instead of repeating ourselves, once again, we can just play back the recording. It will have the same effect. I promise.

I look to my right. This guy is more disinterested than I am.

I look to my left. This guy is trying to look interested.

Give it up, buddy. You aren’t fooling anyone.

We all know how much you don’t want to be here. We are all sharing the same feelings. We are all thinking the same thing. There is no need to sugar coat the truth. There is no need to be dishonest with yourself. It’s okay. Break out the Blackberry. Text your friends and tell them how much you don’t want to be here. See if they care.

Play brickbreaker. Surf the web and pray that your wonderful 3G network decides to work in a quick manner today. Check your Facebook. Read about how Johnny is brushing his teeth or how happy Stephanie is that tomorrow is Friday. Read about everyone else’s complaints about the same way you are feeling.

Like I said, you aren’t fooling anyone. Embrace the boredom. That’s what technology is for. Thank god for social networks. It’s not enough that people don’t stop complaining in real life. Let them complain more via the internet. Blog about your girlfriend leaving you. Tweet that gas prices went up…no kidding. Write on Facebook that you stubbed your toe on your desk and it really hurts.

Well I’m sure you’ll meet someone new that will give you that same extraordinary feeling, don’t worry. I’m paying the same gas prices as you, don’t worry. And you could stub your toe, bang your head a million times and slam your finger in a car door and you still wouldn’t be feeling the same pain I am feeling right now.

But am I complaining about it? Absolutely not. Who is listening anyway?

Hey, guy to my left, give me your Blackberry if you’re not going to use it. I forgot to charge mine last night and I only have two bars of battery left. If I don’t use mine at all, it could maybe last me a little while longer. This way, when 11:00 o’clock rolls around, I can waste another hour before lunch fidgeting away on my berry, then go to lunch at 12:00, find a charger and fill this baby up.

What else am I going to do for the four hours after lunch?

I can’t believe this guy is still trying to listen.

What the hell is wrong with him?

Did he miss the memo?

Is he new?

Stop trying to pay attention because you’re making the rest of us look bad.

I should have bought an I-Pad or a laptop. This way, instead of worrying about preserving the battery life on my phone, I could be checking my fantasy football team or checking the weather, giving me, I mean everyone else something else to complain about. I could be reading about last night’s game and checking how many games the Yankees need to win before they clinch a playoff spot so I can stop worrying every night.

More importantly, I could be pretending that I am actually taking notes when, in reality, I’m not of course. That would be genius. But of course, I yet again failed to follow through in another one of my brilliant plans.

I look across the table and the guy in front of me is practically asleep, drool hanging from his lip and everything. I wonder what he’s dreaming about. If I could guess, it would probably be getting the hell out of here.

Everyone feels that way, consciously or subconsciously, despite whether they care to admit it or despite whether they’re putting up an act like this clown to my left.

At least sleeping beauty over here isn’t hiding how he feels. He’s taking a chance. He’s catching up on some sleep. And what better of a place to do that then in here.

My disinterested and uninterested counterpart to my right taps me on my shoulder and shows me the time. 10:10. Really?

I mean, thanks for the time update, buddy. But for future references, I’d rather not know. Now I’m even more depressed that I still have to be stuck in here for another fifty minutes. Maybe if I complain, I mean talk about how everyone else complains some more, time will go by faster.

Eh, I doubt it.

Please, get me out of here. Thank you.

See, I’m being polite. That is the least I can say about those Facebookers who curse and bicker about everything and anything. Yes…we know it’s extremely irritating when the Yankees can’t beat the Orioles. You don’t have to cast such a dark shadow over the team just because of one loss. I myself dropped the F-bomb only four times last night while watching the game.

I’d like to drop it a lot more right now and for the next fifty minutes as a matter of fact. Why am I here? What’s the point? I’m not learning anything and I’m not hearing anything I haven’t heard before.

I don’t care about last week, I don’t care about this week, and I certainly don’t care about next week. Do you know why? Every week…is…the…same.

But no, no one else realizes that. Am I the only one? Why doesn’t Einstein over here, holding a laser pointer, standing at the front of the room realize that? Nobody told him? How come he didn’t check anyone’s Facebook updates? There’s no chance that he is oblivious to complaining via technology.

He’s probably following orders from some other chump that is higher on the food chain. He probably doesn’t want to be here either like the rest of us.

Oh, give it up already, guy to my left. Put your hand down. Nobody wants to hear your question. Stop puckering up your lips because no one is bending over for you to kiss their butts. I don’t care how much you think you need to suck up and I don’t care how brown you think your nose needs to get. Let it go. Asking him to repeat his last, intriguing statement, so you can write it down, is not going to get you brownie points. No one is going to care.

If anything, it is going to get you beat up because that is what I’m on the verge of doing. So please, pretty please with a cherry on top, put your hand down, especially before you take an apple out of your bag and give it to the teacher.

Can you just let me go back to my business of doing everything I’m not supposed to be doing? This way, I can once again feel that I am serving some sort of purpose for this so called life of mine. Let me go back to helping society in some way or form. This hour that I am stuck in here will not motivate me anymore or any less.

It’s time for all of us to stop kidding ourselves. Let’s just all get up and make like a ball and bounce. I know you all want to. Who is with me? Alright, on the count of three, we are out of here.

One…two…three.

Why is no one following my lead? And how come I’m not following my own lead. Why am I still stuck in this chair? I have not heard or listened to one word that has come out of this guy’s mouth. But I bet what’s his name to my left can give me a full and detailed account of what I unfortunately missed.

Your hand is seriously up again? Really? Maybe if I kick him under the table he won’t know it was me and maybe he’ll know better and think twice before raising that hand of his again.

And you’re really showing me the time again, guy to my right? 10:20. Shut up.

Thanks again for pissing me off further now. Why can’t I just be left alone?

I can’t believe half these people aren’t even taking advantage of the technology they have in front of them. Are they really as clueless as my annoying neighbor?

Look at this guy now. The word discretion has absolutely no meaning whatsoever. He is full blown asleep now; head in his arms, out cold. Do I hear snoring? That a boy.

Do your thing, buddy.

Stick it to the man.

Tell him what’s up.

Prove a point.

Power to the people.

Aid in the cause.

Put money in the basket.

I think I’m going to the bathroom and never coming back. Forty more minutes of this crap? Yeah right…what are you crazy?

This is beyond painful at this point. I’m suffering. I can’t sit still. Sweat is building up on my forehead. I’m going to lose it. Just end already, please.

Give me a laptop someone! Let me check what they are saying about poor Obama today. He’s the president of the United States for Christ sake. Leave the guy alone. I’m sure he’s trying. Besides, do you really think you could do a better job?

I’m sure the guy to my left does. Or at least he thinks by being the biggest suck up in the world that it might head him in that direction. But, I’m sorry to say, you’ll never be president. Sorry for bursting your bubble. Someone had to tell you, just like I’m about to tell you for the last time to stop listening. We won’t hold it against you, I promise.

Oh, I’m getting summoned. He’s tapping on my shoulder. Time check. 10:30.

Did I tell him that I wanted an update from him every ten minutes and forgot about it? Was he just desperate for a friend because he was feeling the same exact way as I was? Or was he just one huge pain in the butt that enjoyed talking to random people, knowing how much they didn’t give a crap.

News flash, you’re boring me with your time checks and dumb facial expressions of annoyance as much as this dude in the front of the room. You’re actually starting to piss me off just as much as teacher’s pet over here.

But I guess he is helping me out a little bit. I don’t have to check my phone and risk losing more battery. But big whoop, in half an hour I will charge the phone myself and completely ostracize you and your time checks, the snoring giant, the all-time leader in hand raises, and everyone else from my company; for another week at least.

What’s this woman doing now? Is she getting up? Sure, no one has a problem with that. She is a female. Why would they? It was so much easier to be a woman, especially in a situation like this. Was anyone going to question you if you told them that you were heading to the ladies room? No. But if I got up, forget it, stop traffic.

What is he doing?

Where is he going?

Mind your business. I’m not inquiring what Betty Boop over here is doing. Let her be.

Are there any good movies coming out? But even the price of movies is absurd these days. It would cost less to take a girl out to a steak house than it would taking her to see a movie. This economy is ridiculous; almost as ridiculous as this guys tie sitting diagonally from me.

What is wrong with people? Do you look in a mirror before you leave your house or is Stevie Wonder picking your clothes out? That tie just made things even worse in here. As if I wasn’t already pissed off, thanks guy wearing a bright yellow tie with green fish covering it for adding to my pain and agony.

He’s about to tap me on the shoulder again, isn’t he? Let me rain on his parade now.

10:40? I question in a whisper.

How’d you know? He questioned as his excited face to tell me the time turned into a disappointed one.

Oh, I’m sorry. Were you going to tap me on the shoulder and tell me the time? Is that what you were going to do? Does tapping me on the shoulder mean I should brace myself for your riveting announcement of the hour and minutes of the day? Do you have a hidden agenda? Are you trying to show me how cool your rip-off Rolex is?

And how did I know it was 10:40? Gee, I don’t know. I won’t even touch this one. He’s had enough assault from me for one day.

You’re really continuing to take notes guy to my left? I thought I already made it abundantly clear that we wouldn’t judge you if you stopped. Now you’re just setting yourself for disaster even more and practically inviting us to have a field day with your absurdities.

Please, just stop.

Why didn’t I eat breakfast this morning? Why didn’t I bring a water bottle in here with me? I’m hungry and thirsty. They should provide us with coffee or snacks; anything to aid in passing the time. I’ll take a bag of peanuts at this point.

Here we go again. He is once again talking about what he wants us to do for next week. The next thing you know is he’ll give us homework and tell us to read thirty pages in the textbook. But, you know, that would be a lot more exciting than this. Anything would be.

So with that being said, let’s wrap this up already, chief. You’ve said what you needed to say. It’s time to dismiss us. Just please don’t start…

My worst nightmares are coming true. He’s talking about last week again. Is it mandatory to keep us here for an hour? Is Big Brother watching us? I won’t tell if you end early. I promise.

Are you trying to drive us to insanity or are you just trying to waste time? Did you find out that’s all I do during the day? Are you paying me back by doing the same thing? Who told you? Big Brother?

Is he really tapping my shoulder again? I guess he didn’t get the hint. Alright, lay it on me, man.

10:45.

Only five minutes have passed since your last update? You’re a tricky fellow, huh? You called me out on my bluff and for that, I commend you. But I still don’t like you so if you tap me on the shoulder one more time and if you give me a time other than 11:00, I will break your pinky.

Oh whatever, where’s my phone?

I guess I’ll update my Facebook status and tell everyone how wonderful this staff meeting has been.

Maybe that’ll kill a couple more minutes before the meeting is over and Betty Boop comes back from the bathroom, the machine wakes up from his nap, ugly tie man looks down at his terrible decision and shakes his head, timekeeper tries and talks to me some more and the guy to my left…

Really? Your hand is raised again?