A new relationship is mesmerizing. Thoughts of the other person fill our head and cloud our ability to carry out normal every day tasks; we want to call the other person, think of the other person, and be with the other person. Our brain creates a big, bright picture of the other person and we carry this picture around in our head, in the forefront of everything we do.
Over time, as the relationship matures and grows we find ourselves focusing on other things, and that big, bright picture in our head begins to dim. We still think of our significant other, we spend lots of time together, and we care about each other deeply, but once we feel secure in our relationship our brain changes our primary focus. We start to see the flaws in the other person and we begin to realize that we don’t have as much in common as we originally thought (because our brain blocked us from seeing any negative aspects of the other person when we began dating). How to keep what seems to be a stale relationship fresh continues to be a problem many couples face.
I have a couple of recommendations, that when applied correctly, breath new life into a relationship. Both of these concepts deal with forms of communication, and the techniques work not only in a relationship between romantic partners but are effective in any communicative atmosphere: between doctor and patient, employer and employee, parents and children, and on and on.
The first technique that successful partners in a relationship utilize deals with understanding the difference between hearing and listening. Hearing and listening are two different concepts. We hear obscure sounds around us, but we listen for what the sound is, and try to determine where it’s coming from. When your partner approaches you are you hearing them or are you listening to them? There’s a Doritos commercial where someone is talking to a person that is crunching on a mouthful of Doritos. The person with the mouth full of food can see the other person’s mouth moving and hear distinct sounds but all they’re actually listening to is the crunching of the Doritos. This is a perfect example of hearing. In contrast, active listening is an important skill that partners in a relationship absolutely must learn. When your partner is trying to discuss something with you and a thought pops into your mind regarding their topic, don’t cut them off. In fact, turn off the talking that’s going on inside your own head and just listen to what your partner is saying. Look at their body language and listen to their words. Understand what they are saying and THEN offer an appropriate response based on their perspective of the topic. I know from personal experience (married 14 years to my amazing wife) that it’s best to let your partner finish talking before you offer a response. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve cut her off or gotten the old, “Did you even listen to what I said?”. Address the issue being discussed and make sure your answer is one that conveys understanding and empathy, which brings me to the next technique.
The second technique that successful partners in a relationship utilize deals with the difference between sympathy and empathy. To sympathize with someone is to express an emotion commensurate with the situation. When someone loses a loved one, we offer condolences and we “feel” badly for what has happened to them. When an employee hits their sales numbers we recognize them for their achievement and we “feel” happy for them. Sympathizing (feeling) is not nearly as powerful and not nearly as personal as empathizing. Many of us don’t understand the difference between the two words, and I’m telling you right now that an empathetic partner is one that is in a relationship that works. When you empathize with someone you are placing yourself in their subjective experience; you are seeing it through their eyes. If your partner expresses a personal opinion about something, instead of shooting them down and telling them they’re wrong, empathizing allows you to see the opinion through their eyes and although you may not agree, you can at least understand why they believe what and why they do. Becoming an empathetic partner will not only improve the overall atmosphere of the relationship, but your partner will feel as though you are truly in touch with what’s going on inside their head and their emotional state.
If you currently reside within a relationship that could be classified as “stale”, I recommend trying out the techniques in this article. They have had a positive impact on some of my client’s relationships and I think you will be pleased to watch your own relationship transform. These techniques aren’t a magic bullet that will change the face of your relationship over night, but with some time and consistent application you will be surprised at how your relationship turns around. Give them a try, and if you’re not sure exactly how to apply them, give us a call or send us an email. We’re happy to help.
Joseph McKenzie can be reached at [email protected]