Many relationships are no longer based on the characteristics in a partner we cherish or consider crucial to happiness. We choose partners that often are nothing close to meeting emotional needs or important foundation fundamentals. Shared goals, family values, commitment, mutual respect, friendship are often missing, incomplete or nonexistent. We are relieved to be in a relationship we close our eyes and settle for Mr. or Mrs. Wrong.
The euphoria of being in a “settling” relationship fades, sometimes quickly over time. Here are five signs you may be in a “settling” relationship:
Constant Conflict:
When you began this relationship the relief of having a relationship may hide aspects of the partner that may become annoying or upsetting. Slowly or all at once, conflict starts with one action, one word, and one anything. Because the relationship was not built on a firm foundation of friendship and mutual respect, hurtful actions and words are exchanged. With each word and action, a rift appears until a chasm so great appears; the only resolution is divorce or breakup. Living in conflict takes an emotional toll on everyone, and if you have settled into a life filled with conflict, consider it normal, you have settled for the wrong partner.
Cheating Partners:
What is missing from your relationship that even the thought of cheating occurs? Do you or your partner understand each other’s needs? What is missing within you that you need to be with one or multiple partners? Cheating only momentarily fills that void and creates a break in whatever fragile trust exists. Cheating disrespects core values, and can create a terrible cycle of guilt. Unfortunately, once a cheater, always a cheater and if you have allowed cheating, forgiving and constantly forgiving you have settled. Settling with a cheater is to compromise yourself including self-respect because you deserve to feel secure in your relationship.
Chameleon Actions:
You lose yourself trying to be the person you believe the other person needs to be happy in a “settled” relationship. Whatever the partner says, critiques, or demands, you quickly acquiesce. You lose yourself in your efforts to be the “perfect” partner, but in your efforts you become empty within. You become enshrouded in quiet misery as you try, but never catch the brass ring. And when you give away yourself for the sake of the partner, you have settled. If you settle, one day you may find you have no idea who you are anymore or what brings you satisfaction of happiness. You deserve better, you deserve to be loved and cherished for your uniqueness.
Changing Your Partner:
You settle for an emotionally damaged partner because you believe you can change this person. You have a “knight in shining armor” attitude that you will save or change this person so they are healed, happy and grateful to you for your “love and guidance.” Unfortunately, no one can change anyone but themselves. A person has to want to and make the effort to change. Often emotionally damaged people require more than “love” to heal, such as professional counseling. What you need to ask yourself is why you feel so empty within that you settle for another empty within. Perhaps you are the emotionally damaged person who requires healing before seeking a permanent healthy relationship instead of settling for that emotionally broken partner.
Enabling Your Partner:
You settle for a dysfunctional relationship and enable all the behaviors that contribute to the dysfunctionality because you erroneously believe you have a selfless love for that other person. What you do is enable a person to never change, never improve and the relationship never develops into anything. You have settled for a self-absorbed person who is only content when allowed to be dysfunctional, whether that dysfunctionality is emotional/financial control, an addiction, or any behaviors that are not acceptable to a person who does not settle. You should examine yourself and see what needs to change within you so you do not accept people in your life you need to enable.
Settling for Mr. or Mrs. Wrong can happen for all the wrong reasons. If you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios ask yourself if you must take actions to protect yourself and ultimately, your happiness. If you settle, you must live with the consequences of your choices, good or bad. Remember life IS too short to be miserable, and settling can create a lifetime of misery.