A husband and wife are sitting at the kitchen table looking at their bills.
Husband: We are too far in debt. I think you are spending too much money.
Wife: Between the two of us, we make enough money to pay our bills, pay down our debt, and live comfortably. It’s just that you don’t contribute enough.
Husband: That’s absurd. We don’t have a revenue problem… We have a spending problem.
Wife: I’m just saying that I give most of my paycheck to pay bills, and you spend a lot of your paycheck on stuff for yourself.
Husband: I pay just as much as you do.
Wife: But I have a minimum wage job, and you make ten times more than I do!
Husband: I see… so you want to punish me because I’m successful.
Wife: No. Look— we have a stack of past-due bills over here, and we have extra income over here. It only makes sense that we use our extra income to catch up our bills.
Husband: That’s class warfare!
Wife: Are you saying that we have two different classes in this family?
Husband: (silent)
Husband: Maybe you should pay more. My income pays for 70 percent of our expenses, and your income pays for only 30 percent. That’s not fair to me.
Wife: I don’t have any income left after I pay that 30 percent. You have thousands of dollars that you don’t even contribute!
Husband: Maybe you can get another job. You’re just not working hard enough. If I keep paying all the bills, you’ll just get lazy.
Wife: ARG! (Sigh) Look, maybe if we could compromise, we could get our bills paid. I’ll find some way to cut $100 out of our household budget, and you could maybe contribute $100.
Husband: I’ll tell you what. I’ll contribute $50 if you cut $250.
Wife: That’s not fair!
Husband: Take it or leave it… $25 in revenue for $500 in spending cuts.
Wife: You just changed the deal!
Husband: No I didn’t. $10/ $750.
Wife: Maybe we can just look at what we’re spending. We really didn’t need to take those trips to the Middle East.
Husband: That was the most important thing we ever did!
Wife: And why are we paying for your gasoline out of the household budget? Couldn’t you pay for that out of the money you’re holding back?
Husband: If you keep bothering me about my income, I go on strike, and you’ll get absolutely nothing. Would you like that?
Wife: No.
Husband: All of those things that I buy for myself are rewards for working so hard.
Wife: You’re on the golf course all day!
Husband: Besides, look at all the stuff you’re spending money on.
Wife: I wrote down a budget months ago and asked you if we could go by that. What did you do with that budget?
Husband: I put it on the table. I’m not even going to look at it. If I agree to your budget, then it’s possible that you could get something that I don’t agree with. I like doing it my way-going month to month and paying things as they come along.
Husband: How can we spend so much on food and clothing?
Wife: We have nine children!
Husband: So… let them fend for themselves. It’s the American way. What’s this? Health insurance?! Why do we have to pay health insurance? I’m as healthy as an ox.
Wife: It is foreseeable that we’ll need medical care sometime this year. It’s prudent to plan for something that will probably happen.
Husband: So what if something does happen? If we get sick, we’ll just go to the hospital’s emergency room. They can’t turn us away.
Wife: What about our youngest child. He needs a surgery.
Husband: Let him die. We have 8 others.
Husband: What’s this retirement account? Sounds like a Ponzi scheme to me. Let’s stop saving for retirement.
Wife: Our roof is leaking. The driveway has deep potholes. The windows are broken. Our oldest son is unemployed right now. He could sure use some work, and Lord knows there’s plenty of things to do around here to keep him busy. Maybe that way, he can pay for some of the things he needs.
Husband: I’m sick of giving him handouts. Let him go without.
Wife: I think one of our problems is that we have these darned two-party checks that require both of our signatures. Every time we go to pay bills, we get into a big fight, and you refuse to sign it.
Husband: That’s the way a household is supposed to run.
Wife: Well, the electric company is threatening to cut off our power if we don’t pay our bill by tomorrow.
Husband: OK, I’ll sign the check, if you’ll cut $1000.00 from the household budget.
Wife: I can’t do that! How much more are you going to contribute?
Husband: That’s socialism!
Wife: So… you’re just going to let them shut off our power?
Husband: Unless you cave in.
Wife: Fine! You’re a bastard.
Husband: I’m really concerned about the incivility of your discourse with me.