“I wish I was heroine” I thought. I had wanted to be a lot of things in my life, but I never expected to want to be a drug. I watched his head twitch, and then his whole body shook. He wrapped his arms around his chest and looked up at me with wet eyes. He’d never done anything more difficult. He was changing his entire life to be with me.
People stared as he trembled. I pulled him into my chest and kissed his forehead. His body convulsed, and he started to cry. I eased him onto the cold department store floor and swaddled him.
“Excuse me miss? Do you need any help?” a salesman asked.
I looked up and shook my head no. Of course I needed help. We both did. We were in way over our heads.
“Well, if you need anything, let me know” he said.
I looked back down and hoped he’d just disappear.
I rocked my trembling boyfriend in my arms and tried as hard as I could to stifle my own tears. “I’m dying” he choked out.
“No, you’re having withdrawal. You’ll be okay. I promise” I replied.
I was terrified. I wished that I could transform myself into the chemicals that he used to take the pain away. I wish I was heroine.
He was sweating through his shirt, but his skin was freezing. I hated myself. He was helpless. He was doing this to be with me, and I was the bitch who didn’t think she could handle it. The store was getting darker. No, I’m getting weaker. I started shaking.
“Baby, you have to pull yourself together. You’re fine. We’re in Macy’s. You can’t do this here” I said as calmly as possible. “You’re stronger than this.”
“I’m sorry” he cried.
I gritted my teeth. I was such a cold hearted bitch. I couldn’t console him. He helped my through years of depresseion, broken hearts, lost jobs, deaths, illnesses and panic attacks. He always dropped whatever he was doing anytime I needed him. Now, when he needs me the most, what do I do? Talk to him as if he has control over the opiate withdrawal that’s raping him. Way to go Angel.
“What’s wrong with him?” some lady asked.
I flicked her off. I hated people. I hated myself. I hated life.
“C’mon baby. Let’s go” I said as I pulled him off the ground. We hobbled out of the store while holding onto eachother. We tried to steady one another, but we both knew that it’d only take one of us falling to make both of us hit the pavement.
When the fresh air hit me, tears stung my face. I wanted to be the drugs he used to calm down. I wanted to be his euphoria, but all I could do was waiver between being his tough love bitch girlfriend and his understanding caretaker.
“I love you” I said while trying to compose myself.
He breathed in deep. “I love you too” he said.
I kissed him hard wishing that something would radiate from my lips to make everything better. He clutched onto my waist and stared at me. I’d never seen so much pain in someone’s eyes before. “Would you have still done this if you knew it’d be this hard?” I asked selfishly.
Without breaking his stare, his eyes turned warm. He looked into me and with a trembling lip, he shook his head no. He started crying. I started sobbing.
“I’d give my life to be your heroine” I cried.
“You already have” he said.
We both hit the pavement.