How to Survive Disaster Advice

(Your tax dollars at work. Well, somebody’s tax dollars.)

Hi there, citizen! (or, in case we hit a needle in a haystack – Hi there, taxpayer!) Welcome to another official, expensive, and ultimately useless government publication!

OFFICIAL MISSION STATEMENT: FEMA (the “Feral Excitement Manipulation Agency”) and the Bureau of Indian Affairs (“huh?”) are proud to bring you this official Disaster Preparedness publication, prepared at great expense (“yours, not ours”) and completely updated (“we changed the font”) in painstaking detail (“we whipped it up this morning”).

OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER: You may be asking yourself: What in the name of Tonto & The Three Stooges does the Bureau of Indian Affairs have to do with disaster preparedness? Well, not much. We admit that. But then, take a quick look around at recent disasters, and be honest.

Neither does FEMA.

To be honest, the Bureau of Indian Affairs hasn’t been relevant since their field trip to go watch “The Last of the Mohicans.” But the Bureau is part of this project for an entire different reason. What with all the recent whining about Washington’s over-spending, your government’s been catching a lot of flak for a lot of things, like having an entire department dedicated to the sex life of native Americans. So we do what we do best – we just dim the lights and shove that department’s budget around as needed, like we do with any Federal spending that comes under scrutiny (wait till you hear about the “Grebe” initiative, and all the taxpayer money being spent to relocate socially stressed ducks).

Welcome to Civil Service!

But let’s get back to our mission. Here at FEMA, we understand – life can jump up behind you. And we want to do our part to help you get ready for any life-altering eventualities, such as hurricanes, earthquakes, particularly steamy Indian affairs, or absurdly incompetence from your Federal government.

In a normal year, DHS & FEMA get to be incompetent once or twice. But 2011 was no normal year. Before the madness finally ended, the 2011 Storm Season claimed the lives of thousands and thousands of daytime television hours. Those hours, America can never replace.

Of course, there were human tragedies, too. During the nearly historic 2011 earthquake, which was almost felt in as many as one places, a Cape Cod wedding caterer was wounded in Bed Bath & Beyond when a pallet of cranberry bog-themed paper plates collapsed. Then, late in the tropical storm season (Hurricane Yahtzee), a pedestrian in Virginia was struck by an airborne used-car salesman during the last-minute filming of a “this weekend only” TV commercial. (Remember, people – during a hurricane, an un-tethered car dealer can become a life-threatening missile.)

And disasters in 2011 weren’t limited to foul weather. In August, the middle of a perfectly clear day, a house-bound man in Elk Nostril, North Carolina succumbed to a heart attack after repeatedly watching Super Bowl clips of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction.

And so, to prepare you for exposure to painful things like natural disasters, or civil service employees, we’ve put together this Disaster Preparedness quiz.

Ready? Let’s begin:

Q: FEMA exists under the organizational umbrella of what overarching agency?

1. The Department of Homeland Security 2. America’s Most Wanted 3. China

Q: The name of the current Secretary of Homeland Security is

1. Janet Neapolitan 2. Janet Reno 3. Janet Jackson

Q: What does it take for a 24×7 cable news channel to shift into non-stop emergency news mode?

1. An Atlantic storm system with sustained measurable pressure below 950 millibars 2. Sweeps Week 3. Dawn

Q: Once storm-generated winds reach 40 miles per hour, what happens?

1. 911 operators may refuse to dispatch emergency vehicles 2. Electric cars may flip over, fail to navigate hilly terrain, or just faint 3. If you’re Mitt Romney’s hair, absolutely nothing

Q: As a result of the almost historic 2011 Quake, hundreds of thousands of citizens along America’s Eastern Seaboard

1. Nearly lost their homes and everything they owned 2. Nearly lost their interest in the almost historic 2011 Quake 3. Nearly lost their balance

Q: Once storm-generated winds reach 80 miles per hour, what happens?

1. The White House may have to call in FEMA 2. The White House may have to call up the National Guard 3. The White House may have to call out for delivery pizza

Q: The reason TV news reporters stand out on the beach in the middle of community-destroying Category 500 hurricanes is

1. They cling to an admirable, deep-seated, lifelong respect for the First Amendment 2. They are bound by an unshakeable, heroic duty to inform a grateful American public 3. It was either that, or go cover the Grand Opening of yet another Italian Ice franchise

Q: “The Last of the Mohicans” was a film about

1. An Indian named Natty Bumppo 2. An Indian named Buddy Mohican 3. Out-sourced phone support for satellite dish TV

Q: There is an American sub-culture, popularly called “Storm Trackers,” who actually like to chase storms and see how close they can get without becoming dead, or maimed, or extremely flat. Such people are

1. What population-control sociologists like to call “self-pruning” 2. Not likely to attend Yanni concerts 3. Rare. Eventually.

Q: “Ten Little Indians” was a film about

1. The making of a Janet Jackson video 2. Agatha Christie’s years of intensive therapy with the Bureau of Indian Affairs 3. The penultimate Mohicans

Q: When the government “highly recommends” you vacate your property immediately, you should

1. Trust them and leave immediately, given the crackerjack job they’ve done at handling everything else 2. Leave immediately, unless you drive an electric car with a bumper that couldn’t survive a glancing blow by a jaywalking ferret 3. Make sure the evacuation order came from our government

Q: New York City just can’t seem to get a break. After an earthquake and then a hurricane, the Big Apple will next have to face

1. Godzilla 2. A massive outbreak of United Nations parking violations 3. Another “Die Hard” remake

Q: The role of a Hurricane Hunter pilot is to

1. Measure wind velocities near the eye of a storm 2. Cull the human race of maniac daredevils who might otherwise become commercial airline pilots (see “self-pruning”) 3. Try not to weep uncontrollably while your plane is being attacked like a spiral-cut ham at a “Legalize Pot” convention

Q: Once storm-generated winds reach 100 miles per hour, what happens?

1. Satellite dish TV reception may fail. But then, that can happen during wind gusts of up to 1 mile per hour. 2. Politicians in Virginia start campaigning in West Virginia 3. Homeland Security points out that very few hurricanes enter the U.S. via the Arizona border

Q: When stocking up for a pending emergency, the most important provisions to remember are

1. Water, Batteries & First Aid Supplies 2. Water Purification Tablets, Can Openers & Generators 3. Lawyers, Guns & Money

Q: And speaking of disaster preparedness, Moses long ago parted the Red Sea in an attempt to escape from

1. Egyptian daytime television 2. Taxation without representation 3. Janet Jackson

Well, there you have it! From all of us at FEMA and other cash-bloated agencies, like the Department of Metrosexual Mallard & Grebe Relocation, thanks for your time … and we hope you survive lots of stuff!

And if not, enjoy your $255 government death benefit!

People also view

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *