Jesus, Dean and Gene Ween

Have you heard about Jesus ween? When i first heard the term, I thought it was some kind of Christian Ween cover band, or maybe Jesus is the camera-shy third Ween brother, the one who really wrote “Waving My Dick in the Wind.” But no, it has nothing to do with Ween; a disappointment really, because I can see the two things merging nicely, with the proper guidance and inspiration. Jesus ween is an attempt by some Christian groups to turn a holiday that started as a Christian festival back into a Christian festival, after spending decades trying to convince the public that it’s a satanic thing. Don’t ask me. I don’t get it either.

Apparently, the idea is that having kids dress up and go around collecting candy is bad if you call it Halloween, so rather than going door-to-door, you should dress your kids up, take them to a church parking lot and teach them that it’s groovy to take candy from strangers in cars. We’ll call it Jesus ween, because there’s nothing at all creepy about taking candy from strangers if it’s done to celebrate a guy who was hung on a cross and left to die, then came back to life after he was buried. Way less creepy than dressing up so the spirits don’t recognize you and take you back to the other side with them, right? And Heaven help those of us who don’t really give two holy hoots what the origins of the day are; we just like to let our kids-and ourselves-be someone else for a few hours, load up on candy, have a little fun and go to bed with a belly ache. If we can’t inject Jesus into that and into every single fucking other thing we do we’re screwed as a society. I’m seeing Jesus paper in every bathroom, so that we never forget that he most likely soiled himself just before he died on the cross.* Jesus-a-Roni, for those busy nights when you don’t have time to prepare a fancy meal between work and Women’s Small Group. Jesus pads, because hey, he bled for you. The possibilities are endless, and I’m probably screwing myself out of a lifetime of wealth by sharing my ideas with you, but I’ll take my chances.

I really want to find one of these celebrations and see what’s up. Maybe I’ll learn something, like that Twix aren’t really gross if you pretend you’re eating the body of Christ, or that Jesus O’Lanterns will stay lit even after the Rapture, to remind all of us heathens that we’re doomed to dwell in eternal darkness of the soul. That would be kind of cool, because every time there’s a Rapture, I forget about it a couple days later and go back to dwelling in reality. Maybe I’ll head out tonight and find one of these Jesus Ween things.

Or maybe I’ll stay home and fornicate instead.

*I was just informed by my beloved that Jesus may not have actually soiled himself, because “didn’t he have his guts ripped out and stuff?” If that’s correct, we’ll just swap out the Jesus paper for a Jesus colostomy bag. No biggie.

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