Man Vs Wild

I’m sure you people have been getting an eye full (watch out, don’t lose an eye) of another SBS pearla of a show, ‘Man vs Wild’. Where would you find a person as crazy as Bear Grylls. Who could match his happy happy happy character even in the face of extreme danger – ‘yeah your laughing I’m crying’. His squeaky, high-pitched voice is quite the opposite to an actual bear – ‘give us a growl Bear. Show us your Grylls (Grills; teeth that is). Hopefully he brushes his teeth everyday.’ ‘Roar’ (Bear). ‘Easy boy easy. Yeah more like grin and Bear it. To add, he is Pommy; can you imagine a real-life Bear speaking to you in an English accent – ‘Roar. Have you seen the English Premier League lately? What a match between Chelsea and Arsenal the other day. Too bad I missed it, I was out catching fish all day. Those fish are yum’.

Bear Grylls looks nothing like the ruff-and-tough, scruffy and dirty Crocodile Hunter or Bushtucker Man. It is like they kidnapped him from a BBQ with the blokes and dropped him in the middle of the Amazon Rainforest, clothes and all. Bear looks like he’s fallen off the catwalk at uptown Manchester and landed in… What place is it today Bear?

I don’t have to tell you what the best part of the show is, you know what it is; when Bear eats the weird and wonderful – ‘this grasshopper is a bugger to catch, but when you do, it provides instant energy. Here we go…. (crunch, crunch). O the gooey liquid. Then there’s elephant dung and camel intestines, yum, can’t wait; good one Bear.

Now Bear Grylls is a well-oiled name. Bear was probably a Mr. Bean of the army; a totally unexpectant goof-ball of a funny man who managed to pull off the extraordinary – ‘Go Bear, go Bear, go Bear’. And was his name always Bear. The name sounds like a comic book hero. Mr. Blankety Blanks probably got tired of being the ‘it man’ and said, ‘that’s it, I’ll show ‘em what I’m made of, Arnie, Sylvestor, here I come.’

Bear used to be in the Scouts. Remember them, the cool adventures but very uncool uniforms – the tight short shorts, shirts with a tie and badges everywhere like walking collector’s item. Maybe that’s where Bear got his dress sense from. And the uniforms were brown as well, which matched in well with the name Bear – ‘growl, growl, yes my name is Bear and I wear a brown uniform; I’m very cool man, growl’.

And what about the different terrains Bear undertakes. He’s like a Pommy chameleon, sorry bear, yes we have already established he’s a bear; perhaps he’s a bear chameleon, now that would be a cool mutant of a thing. Maybe Bear has found one on his trips, or perhaps the animals have ganged up on him, one for being a bear chameleon and second for all the times he eats another unsuspecting animal.

I bet some of you would like to see Bear mess up, like a Mr. Bean goof ball, I mean, he does it so perfectly. And yes there’s also a thing called editing. There must be heaps of blunders, with Bear swearing in his Pommy accent – ‘you bloody beep beep’. I bet Bear has his own pimped-out caravan with his name on the door, dropped off by helicopter whenever he decides to take a rest in the middle of no where – ‘hey, where’s my bloody caravan. I’m want to take a break right now; I’m bloody Bear Grylls man’. What about the camera crew keeping up with him and keeping the camera still all that time. They must have been bears in their past lives as well, or stocked to the eyeballs with this and that testosterone.

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