Movie Review: 300, Defends of the Earth, Blades of Glory, Primeval, Cheerleader Camp, the Hitcher, an American Werewolf in London & Turistas

Hello everyone; I’m sure most of you are familiar with my movie reviews. Unfortunately, I’ve been waaaay too busy with school and all that I don’t have enough time to do them anymore. So, what I’m gonna do is just give you guys the quick cliiff notes review of films that I’ve seen in the theaters or on dvd over the past 4 months:

Blades of Glory: Very hilarious – I can’t get enough films where Will Ferrell acts like an ego-testical know-it-all idiot. And I use the term ego-testical becuse he is normally so arrogant in some of his past roles such as Ricky Bobby and Anchorman but he also carries this “I’m so sexy even though I’m portly and hairy.” Will and Jon Heder have some nice on-screen togetherness, Coach’s Craig T. Nelson is their Coach and it has some other nice supporting comedians in the film to carry it along. It does have a weak love story in the mix, but I think that was just to give the film a little bit of a girl appeal to the film. If not, you would feel a bit too gay watching Will and Jon stick each other’s nuts and asses in one another’s face.

AWESOME PART OF THE MOVIE: Their final skating routine is done to Queen’s Flash Gordon theme song! FLASH….AAAOOOH!

Turistas: I found this film to be waay too much of a knock off of the film Hostel. The plot: Some tourists are drugged at a bar and when they awaken; they have their precious organs removed because Brazil faces a shortage of kidneys and livers. When I initially heard of the hype on this film, I thought it would have little spanish monsters hunting down tourists and hacking ‘em up. Nope – it is just a self-righteous doctor thinking he is making the world a better place. I didn’t feel like their was enought motivation in the film and the whole “making up with your organs missing as you were chilling on a block of ice” has become quite redundant over the past few years. I initially bought the film because on the cover, there is a quote from Michael Gingold of Fangoria that claims, “Scarier than Hostel.” no way does he mention though, “Just like Hostel, but makes less sense.” Don’t waste your money!

Defenders of the Earth: If you’d like to get to know more about such classic comic strip heroes as Flash Gordon, the Phantom and Mandrake the Magician – this dvd set might be worth your while. Defenders of the Earth was a Marvel produced animated series put out in the mid 80’s and has somehow turned into a cult following. I, personally got the set being a huge Flash Gordon fan and I saw that the dvd was put out by Ink and Paint – the recent owners of the dvd publishing rights to Filmations animation stock such as He-Man, She-Ra, the Ghostbusters and others. I found much of the writing a let down and I couldn’t get into the action scenes. It was nice to see older heroes revived, but Marvel executives did it with wrong reasons by giving each of the Defenders a similar aged teenager off spring to train these new Defenders to full fill their quests. What are the odds? I’d say it’s not worth it – and if you want to learn more about these heroes; dig up some old comic strip stories of them and experience them in their true sense of sequential story telling.

An American Werewolf in London: Now this is a film that I’ve cherished for years, but it was something that I wanted to get on dvd to show to my girlfriend. The film quality and digital transfer is superb, as is the horrific sound remix to hear the horrific howl of the wolf throughout the film that would give anyone chills. There is also an insightful interview with director John Landis on the creation of the film, deleted scenes, a documentary and a commentary with the films actors. A definite investment for any horror fan!

300: I thought this film was ABSOULTELY BEAUTIFULLY SHOT, EPIC SIZED ACTION AND HEROICS AT IT’S FINEST. Best of all, when the porno industry wants to make a parody of this film; it doesn’t have to go far. There is enough scantingly clad flesh and rippling muscles to make this feel either like an episode of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, extras from a Man O War video or an ultra hard core gay porn romp. Depending on your sexual tastes. Seriousily folks, a person could look at this film initially and say – hey this is a gay porn called “300 Spartans that like to have sex with one another – The Movie.” Aside from that, I truly enjoyed it. I’ve always really liked Greco/Roman times as long as you can get past all of the gay jokes. Especially when you look at this film in comparission to Frank Miller’s graphic novel – it was like they used his panels as the storyboards.

JUST LIKE A COMIC MOVIE SHOULD BE! I can only hope to see what this director brings to the fold when he makes The Watchmen.

The Hitcher: Nothing like the original. Yeah, I know how hypocritical I’ve been sounding over the past few months over these remakes – but I truly didn’t go crazy for this one. I think Rutger Hauer was such a powerful actor that this new guy Sean Bean just fallls short. It also doesn’t seem so much psychological thriller, but just a contstant chasing scene of cat and mouse. Sometimes, they make the Hitcher seem almost “supernaturual” and doing feats that only someone as Arnold Schwarzenegger could accomplish by shooting a helicopter down with a hand gun. Although today’s special effects help out with the gore, in particular the truck tearing apart scene, the direction and feeling of the movie doesn’t hold a flame to the on screen commradarity between C. Thomas Howell and Rutger Hauer. If you want to see the Hitcher; go hunt down the original version.

Cheerleader Camp: This is very cheesy movie I bought for just a few bucks solely because it involved death, boobs, cheerleaders, takes place in the 80’s, co-stars Leif Garrett (here is his stock photo when he was arrested in 2006 for possession of heroin and cocaine) and was released by Anchor Bay. The film follows your typical 80’s slasher film with a bit of a mystery, but it also is very hard to follow. I was falling asleep through a good chunk of it, and the things that kept me going were the death scenes and quick boob shots. I felt quite let down because I thought I could enjoy just about any 80’s horror film, especially one that offers the tag line of “Give me a -K-, Give me an -I-, Give Me a -L-, Give me a -L-! Damn you Anchor Bay – you let me down for the first time.

Primeval: For a film that is telling you it’s about the world’s oldest and notorious serial killer is a Croc of shit. And when I mean croc – I’m talking about a giant crocodile named Gustave that haunts the rivers of some little river in Africa. Seeing the film’s visuals could bring anyone back to a more digitized Lake Placid; but the plot has the overall feeling of Jaws. In fact, the funny man of the film, Orlando Jones, even makes a joke to the villagers – “Don’t go in the river; haven’t any of you seen Jaws?”. The whole time I felt like I was watching Jaws, but it took place on land and water. And for the press releases to say it’s the world’s oldest serial killer is VERY misleading – since you are just looking at a predator, and that is it. It does feature a side story of a crime organization trying to truly run the country, and the terror it feasts upon the country is an analogy for the feeding of the crocodile – but the film is just a wee bit too ridicilous to be taken in that direction. If you like this film; just go see Jaws for the true effect. Or if you still like to see films about giant killer reptiles; I would recommend Alligator. The 1980 film about a gator that is flushed down a toilet and thrives in sewers for years off of sewer maintence men and toxic waste; only to escape the sewers and rampage the streets of Chicago devastating all life (including a young boy in a swimming pool) in his 36-foot length feeding frenzy.

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