This is not something I can answer in a short email. So I apologize if this becomes long-winded. You need to create some space between those thoughts. Sounds to me like your frustrated with finances at this point- mostly. Punishing yourself for not being where you think you want to be. The universe has you exactly where you NEED TO BE though. Took me 20 years to learn to be happy where-ever I am/was in the moment. I pray I can show you how to literally be joyful no matter what is happening in each and every moment.
Without you spending 20 years of wasted time as I did baby girl. Are you doing all you can do to get to the place you want to be? Doing the best you can with what you have to work with? If so- do not beat yourself up! Do the best you can and let the rest go. Be compassionate towards yourself. A thought is just a thought. Not real. Not happening. Like a movie we choose to play over and over in our head. When your thoughts take you to an un-pleasant place: change the video playing in your head. Create a happy relaxed environment in the thoughts you allow to play in your mind. In this way, in this space, ideas will flow freely. In this space, your answers to your dilemma will appear as if by magic. Objectivity and creativity do not flow forth from a tangled worried mind. You need some creative ideas in order to spring out of your situation/dilemma.
Luke is in his toddler years. I know you know this is a personal hell for all mothers! But you are young and energetic. Why don’t you just stop what your doing and play with him. Enjoying the moment. Allow Luke’s needs and wants to take you out of your tangled thought processes. Perhaps this will allow some creative space to begin flowing. Nothing more freeing or magical than a babies sweet kiss and smile. Chrissy? She is beyond anyone’s control. Why waste time with anger towards her? Luke has been placed in your life for a very very special reason. He is a gift. Though you might not see it in this fashion at this time. I learned this when I received the dhs letter about Mariah the other day. At first I thought they were telling me I’d have to give her back. My heart sank. I was sick to my stomach. At that moment I realized how much she really and truly met to me. Yes it has been undue hardship and added stress. No I did not ask for this. But she has added a dimension, and love, to my life I would have never dreamed possible before her unexpected arrival. I wasn’t able to run out and grab the first miserable job available. Which has allowed me to explore other opportunities. Blogging page. At home work online. And- I know why God insisted I come back to earth school after my last heart attack. At that moment, I did not want to come back baby girl. It was so peaceful there in that space. In that space you do not think of earth school or the people you love. Not in the way humans process information here on earth anyway. Now, I can not possibly imagine being anywhere else but right where I am in this moment. I am eternally grateful for being given the opportunity to complete my earth school education. God knew what I needed before I did. She/He carried me when I had no strength to continue. Where is God trying to tote you little one? There is a reason you are where you are. A lesson to be learned. Perhaps being joyful in the moment is your lesson to be taken to heart? I dun know. Only you know. Only your soul knows. But life will continue to be hard until you learn to listen to your soul. Which is obviously crying out to be heard and felt. Your soul knows how to be happy and joyful. Thats not a bad thing, right? All you need is some space between the thoughts to hear what your soul wants. That is where your soul lives Becky. The space between all thought. That space is what we usually call heaven.
Love you,
Mom