To Amy McMuffin :
Hi Amy this is Santa. I was wondering if you were going to be putting out those same cookies you left for me last year. If so I was wondering could you make a quick dozen for me. Christmas eve is a long night and most of the cookies I eat that evening are pretty stale. I was particularly fond of your cookies though. I don’t want to seem manipulative or anything but I figured since you were asking me for a new car this Christmas, a dozen fresh baked cookies is a meager trade off. Hit me on my cell and let me know OK. Oh and don’t call me before 9pm I’m running out of daytime minutes.
To Randy Fuffinsludge:
Hey Randy its Santa. I got your message about the bike you wanted for Christmas. I was seriously thinking about getting that for you but then I realized you have been gaining a lot of weight this year. You are not only eating way too much of your own food, but your sneaking food off your sisters plate and its getting ridiculous. I mean I still am trying to comprehend what pleasure you got out of microwaved dog biscuits with cheese spread on them. Can the dog at least eat HIS food in peace? Its just greedy Randy! So taking into consideration that you are a greedy slob I’ve decided no bike this year. You will only end up hurting yourself because your chubby legs will keep scraping the side of the bike and your tail is gonna hurt from all that weight on the bike. No worries though, I’m still gonna slide through your chimney this year and leave you a present under the tree. It will be a shiny red apple and a gym membership. Well not exactly a membership but a coupon for No Start up fee. Your a smart kid you can work the rest out…
To Kevin Gofindone:
Yo Kev its Santa! Hey check this out, that whole angry letter about years of no gifts was not really cool. I checked your behaviour year after year and you were just a pretty rotten kid. No questions asked. Now at the age of 47 your still pissed about it and writing Santa. Do you really think telling Santa to “suck it” is gonna make things better for you? Here’s some advice. When you get up tomorrow at your usual time of 1:48 pm ish. Try taking a shower. Yes soap and water mixed together will not explode in your hands. Second try brushing your teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste this time. Whisking past that block of cheese you call teeth with only a rag is just… well its just nasty Kev.” you feelin me”? Then after you brush that mouth, put on some decent clothes. Wearing a pair of underwear repeatedly as well as the same pair of jeans daily is not really what we mean by recycling buddy. Finally when you have been able to look like a decent human being, Walk out the door of your mothers house and go find a job. Do anything Kevin. Just do some work. Your too old to be asking your mom for money when the ice cream trucks rolls down your block. Don’t you find it strange that you are the only grown up whose mom is throwing change out the window to you to buy stuff. Once you get that job Kevin things will get better. Then you will be able to take a nice girl out, buy her a few drinks and tell her all your sad stories. She in turn will see what a loser you are, laugh in your face and head home to never think of you again. That’s my Christmas wish for you Kevin. Happy Holidays!!
To little Barack Obama:
I’m sorry I took so long to respond to your first letter but as you can see I kept my end of the bargain. You asked if Santa would make you president one day and I did. Now I don’t mean any harm but your second letter is asking for re-election. In your letter you state that your personal Whitehouse chef is going to utilize their own special recipe and bake me a dozen of the best cookies on the planet. You insist they will be hot and fresh waiting for me Christmas eve. While I’m sure your chef is probably “The Hotness’ , I’m not seeing the connection here Sir. I really think Santa would benefit more from a little stimulus money instead . So lets get that check in the mail and Santa will see you at the polls O.K. Happy Holidays Mr. President!!