Living with P.T.S.D: Harvey Has Her Kittens Without the Frenzy

I have p.t.s.d. and ordinary life events can quickly become nightmares in my life.
I’ve always believed that I needed someone else to tell me what to do. I just learned this about myself.

My cat, Harvey, had two kittens a few days ago. When I realized that the time was near, I started to feel panicky about it. I was not afraid of anything logical, but was expecting a terrible frenzy. There was no frenzy. That’s what I expect when I panic, total, mad, frenzy. Everyone on different channels and upset about different things.

I’m worried about my cat. Someone is mad because I’m looking at something other than him. Another is desperately screaming, trying to keep her place at the center of all attention. I don’t think she sees this in herself. One is standing back, watching, taking it all in, feeling mostly amused at the whole mess. He’s also waiting to be needed, at which point, he will step up. He will leave me feeling comforted, but puzzled at his calmness.

One is praying and trying to make everyone one else feel guilty for not praying. He just doesn’t get it. It’s all a competition to him. Still another has turned his face to the wall and is trying so hard not to hear. One is crying at the sadness of it all.

One needs to run away but can’t. One doesn’t want to be there at all. She’s afraid she will be exposed as the thief and lier that I know she is. One who wants to be there, can’t because he has allowed himself to become a slave to someone who doesn’t deserve him.

I’m at the center of all of this just as everyone else is in their own minds. There is one who really wants to help but she is too nervous to be very helpful. Sometimes she does surprise me and really come through. She’s been doing this a lot lately. She is beginning to calm me.

One calms himself by carefully watching everyone else. One makes jokes. The two youngest ones are way over excited. One is freaking out. He’s trying so hard to gain control of himself.

Very few are allowed into my world anymore. That stops the frenzy. I’m learning that I can usually answer my own questions. If I need advice, I seek it out from people I trust.

The kittens were born quietly but not without incident. The firstborn, a tiny calico, came as expected and quickly blended into her mothers fur to become almost invisible. The second, much larger, wasn’t so lucky. Dark grey, almost black with a brown face, he took a while to get going. He crawled away from mom while I was napping. I could hear him crying but it took me a while to wake up.

I found him wedged between two pieces of furniture. He was very cold and his frantic mom quickly took him to her chest to warm him. There was no screaming frenzy. A little worry but not too much. The next time I dared to look he was nursing happily. The cats recovered from the scare before I did. All is well.

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