Living with P.T.S.D: I Hate Noise

P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) can make the world a noisy confusing place. I like to live in a calm quiet place. This means that I rarely leave my home unless I have to. I hate sports, especially football. It’s too much noise for me. The roar of the crowd terrifies me. I hate guns. Explosions, even when expected, startle me. I don’t enjoy watching big men kill things. It makes my stomach hurt.

Shopping is a nightmare. Too many people wanting to push and shove their way through. I find myself pushing and shoving all the time. I’m in a state of semi panic and just want to get what I need and get out of there. I’m trying to get to the milk. Two sweet little old ladies are all excited to run into each other. Their social lives have slowly dwindled down to chance meetings of old friends in the grocery store. I just want them to get the crap out of my way.

Barking dogs can drive me insane. They are shouting out an alarm that no one seems to hear, but me. I know that dogs give alarm cries at really stupid things. This doesn’t stop me from feeling their panic. Sometimes when it’s a neighbor dog that barks all day, I find myself thinking about ways to kill a dog. I haven’t killed one yet. I hope I don’t.

The stress of noise builds up. After a while all I can hear is screaming. The more upset I become, the more I lose any sense of reality. I must stop this screaming before something explodes.

Thunder and lightning can put on an awesome show from a distance. One time it hit so near my house that my cat went from the floor to the top of the fridge in a single leap. I didn’t quite make it that high.

I don’t go to bars. Loud music and drunk people cause me great agitation. I hate the person who invented balloons. Some one always thinks it’s funny to squeak them around me and watch me cringe. I always try to laugh too but the way I feel is not funny. I don’t enjoy explosions.

I love the soothing sounds of rain and Pink Floyd. I work hard at staying calm. Writing helps. So does painting. I love going out to the desert where the silence is all around me. Like a blanket it warms me. The cry of a hawk is a fascinating sound.

A crying baby can send me into a panic, even when I can clearly see that the child is just trying to annoy mom. A child crying in pain breaks my heart. That’s when I cry.

Sometimes the wind blows for days at a time. This can become terrifying to me.

I love the sound of a waterfall, as long as it’s a small one. The noise of a game show can make me want to hurt someone.

So I spend most of my time at home alone. This may sound like a sad existence to some but this is the only time I feel at peace.

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