Coming to terms with anything is like the split second when the hot water runs out and starts turning cold. I don’t think anyone is ever ready for that point, because it comes when you least expect it, and usually when you’re not ready.
Still, you have a choice to keep the water running, keep running from reality.
You have a choice to fill the tub, keeping your mind overflowing with anger, superficiality, insecurity…..
so it’ll never end; even when the tub brims, you can always drain it out and fill it up again.
But we all know what happens when you stay underwater for too long – your skin starts to shrivel up.
It’s the same as hurt: so inviting, so tempting, running constantly, surpassing your mind; tearing every piece of your soul, immersed in angry waves…until the current overtakes you – washing over, washing out.
I remember staring at the ceiling and thinking, I’m going to keep the faucet running; because no matter what, I knew that it would constantly fall in a steady stream, into every crevice of my body, embracing me in sanctuary; drowning out my thoughts, drowning out the past, drowning out the pain.
But you can’t keep the comfort of hot water running anymore than you can keep life from changing. Accepting this is like the split second when you make a decision to get out of the shower; goose bumps all over your arms and legs, wet and cold. It’s such a horrible feeling, isn’t it? But it’s inevitable.
Yes I am still very angry. Yes I am mad, upset, and hurt; and yes I am at times – bitter, closed, distrusting, because a teenager shouldn’t have to hear “maybe if I stick my d**k between your legs you’ll walk better.” I shouldn’t of had to hear the words “crippled b**ch,” or people calling me “it” laughing every time I walked by. No one, in any case, should have to walk or wheel their way through life feeling less than human just for living the life that they were given.
It’s not my intention to sound like a victim; because if you know who I am, then you wouldn’t look at this picture and think: poor girl, so sad. She doesn’t even know what she has. No, you would look at this picture and see someone who hasn’t had enough of life, but enough of seeing and hearing the ignorance and hate that so vividly and profoundly almost kept my head underwater. You would see someone who smiles, someone who loves; someone who wasn’t ready to speak out…but grateful that I did.
And I do realize there will always be ignorance and hate in this world, but every day, amongst my fear – I trust myself enough to start turning off the faucet; so that maybe upon reading this, it’ll prompt someone else to do the same. Because even though water can overflow a tub, we have to remember that sooner or later it evaporates into steam.